self-acceptance

A Joyful Home in Unknown Territory

How can you refind your ground and joy when thrown into unknown territory?

My heart pounded louder and louder in my chest. I hunched over on the bed, a large friendship bracelet-in-progress pinned to a pillow, knotting and knotting like I was behind quota. Breathing in for four counts, holding for four, and out for eight. Letting the pause after the exhale settle into the stillness of a pond. When my heart didn’t settle, I turned my ears to the outside.

Read on, brave soul!

Two unfamiliar noises filtered in through the single window. The first sounded like rain on my window (my favorite!) but was the wind whipping through palm trees. Second, I heard bright, warbling chirps that reminded me I wasn’t in Kansas, er, Illinois.

Hawaii.

Why me? Why now? Why this?

I’m like a fish out of water. Complete Unknown Territory.

These questions shook the shoulders of my sleepy, family-vacation brain. One used to only coming up for air to hand out fresh Twizzlers, help everyone pack a lunch, and put dinner on the table.

It had been a landmark week. Snorkeling with turtles. Kid surfing lessons. Chocolate-covered Macademia nuts. AAA-mazing beach days. Connecting with my kids in the corners of the day.

Yet, sitting on the bed, weaving the bracelet, my heart pounded. I felt the worry lines dig further into my forehead crease. Why these questions?

The night before, my wife and I went to listen to a native Hawaiian storyteller. We learned of the parts the United States and native Hawaii both played in becoming a state. (Neither side of the story is flattering, fyi.) We learned of cultural erosion, the land abuse, and the mental and physical decline in the native Hawaiian community. My highly sensitive soul cried.

With this newborn awareness, I asked, “What can we do?”

And he said two words. Words that seemed like someone gave me a piece of tape to stop a dam from breaking.

“Practice Aloha,” he pleaded. “Use our words so they are not lost.”

Now, you might think Aloha is just hello, but it’s more.

It’s a warm welcome coupled with a recognition of seeing the spirit of another divine soul. Kinda like a combination of a “Howdy, neighbor!” and “namaste.”

A few days later, we came home. My heaviest souvenirs were grief and questions that I see no answer to. I felt as an alien from a different planet. My relationship to my life, our country, this land, my purpose had shifted. At first, I busied myself to avoid the discomfort. After a week or so, I stopped being a broken, sad, complaining record to my wife and faced it. Here’s one tool I used.

Not unlike how I found joy during the pandemic shutdown, I am working on my Self-Leadership skills of Support, Resilience, Emotional Intelligence, taking Responsibility and asserting boundaries. And now I can say that I accept myself, my path towards joy, and my lack of answers with comfortable ferocity. I am, finally, at home in Unknown Territory.

I am stronger and more steadfast in my love and joy because of the discomfort and unknown and am faithful that answers will come in their time.

And that is where I plan to make camp.

Join me?

The Soul-Journer Questions for Unknown Territory

Are you trying to figure out what’s next for you? Are you ready to get at Home in Unknown Territory so you can walk towards the life of your dreams – the life you deserve? Are you ready to lean in and say YES! to more Joy – on your own terms vs. taking care of everyone else and leaving your desires to gather dust in the corners? Then let’s have a heart-centered convo 👇 💕

Click HERE to book a power conversation to help you unearth your next steps.

Sending much love, light, and Aloha for your travels,

Heidi Esther

Garage Sailing is a Dangerous Sport, Part 2

Garage Sailing is a dangerous sport for Heidi Esther. Will her recovering soul now figure out how to enjoy it with her practical adversary, her wife? For the first part of the story, click here!

Listen to this on buzzsprout

The Ship takes a Nosedive

Stacey comes over and looks down to a colorful set of six plastic paper plate holders in my hand. She pauses, and begins.

“Sweetheart, we used to have these exact ones and we never used them. And we don’t have any paper plates. You remember – the last time we had paper plates was our wedding six years ago? And paper plate holders aren’t on the list,” she says, pointing to the piece of paper in my hand. A third cash register receipt.

I can’t take it any longer.

Will heidi esther say something she regrets? Oh no!

Sailing is a Dangerous Sport, Part 1

Sailing is a dangerous sport for Heidi Esther. Though she’s recovering from her sorted past, can she now enjoy it? Or will her differences with her wife ruin it for good? For Part 2, the conclusion, click here!

listen to this on buzzsprout

I have a confession.

A dozen years ago, this summer, I had an addiction. Toward the end of every week, I’d get excited. Ready for my first hit. The adrenaline high coursing through my veins. I dreamt of it. I knew, as long as I was patient, it would come.

By Friday morning at seven, it was go-time. Sometimes Daddy wasn’t even awake. My two toddlers and I were like quiet and efficient mice. I buckled them into their toddler seats, cranked up the sing-a-long CD, and drove to Dunkin’ Donuts.

what the heck is she addicted to??? read on to find out!

How I Reprogrammed my Speak and Spell

Listen to this story on buzzsprout

Why, God, why can’t I just sleep in?

My ears wake to a familiar seagull-like whine. I try not to move in bed, as if my complete stillness can make it go away. Nonetheless, the whine continues.

My step-dog Elvis and his strict wake-up time is the cause of much grief in my world. Say there was a thunderstorm for three hours overnight that felt like God was shining a faulty fluorescent light. And, say Elvis was awake in our bedroom for all those hours. He will still wake up at the same time.

Is Heidi esther’s day, once again, lost to the dogs?

What happened to my new life: The grey days

Placing her hand on my heart.

Stacey: And you need time to see how amazing you are and love yourself, too.

God, thank you for putting Stacey in my life.

A crappy grey day in February, 8 years ago

Sitting at my dining room table, staring at my quiet phone.

The floor and trim, ebony. Walls, an impersonal white. One side, an equally ebony oversized Goodwill china cabinet, filled with my everyday dishes, glasses. My small kitchen sucks. The other wall, covered in preschool artwork. The table itself, awash with crayons, paper, glue. They went to Dad’s house in the middle of craft time. I’ll pick that up later, I said two days ago. An ass-cold day, throwing sleet on the window. The useless overhead light casting a smoke-stained glow.

Nobody likes you.

Say it ain’t so! How could that be? what’s going on with her?

God hides under the kitchen table for 35 years?

Hello,
this is God.
I’ll be handling all of your problems today.
Have a miraculous day.

Heidi Esther’s negative-ninny mind has got her cornered again. How is she supposed to live when she feels like – she’s – a mistake? She finds an answer under the kitchen table…

8 years ago in a treehouse

I blew my nose in the last kleenex. I sat in a dark corner of my bedroom, my arms hugging my knees. Across from me: a wall of windows. The day was bright. My view was shaded, showing a lush, leafy vista. I pulled my hoodie strings tighter around my head.

Why was Heidi so sad? It looks like such a nice day outside! Read on to find out…

Engagement Series 1/3: How can I love you?

Engagement Series 1/3: How Can I Love You? Engagement Series 2/3: The Return of the Ring Engagement Series 3/3: Sponge Bathing

Coffee with a caveat

Stacey walked down my narrow, dark, second-floor hallway. She has this rock-star swagger about her walk. When we walk, her Air Force service gives her the intuitive tools to lock-step together, which I find romantic. She held my morning coffee in her hand, which, of course, fully endeared her to me. Then, something unexpected happened.

She didn’t hand over the coffee and got down on one knee.

will heidi ever get her morning coffee? Read on!

you can’t make me go back in there!

Divorced Scaredy Cat

I stood with sinking legs, at the threshold of my ex’s new house. Inside was silent and cave-dark against the light from the doorway. His large figure, daunting, challenging, between me and the sun.

I wanted a hoodie. I needed a bathroom. I desperately wanted to compliment him. My kids, 6 and 7, were still inside, looking for guidance. My tongue was stuck; lead feet ensued.

Geeeeeze, people, stop getting ahead of yourselves! This is not a story about violence. But when my ex gets angry, it’s like his eyes sink into his head and turn all black – like the black-oil people who get infected with the alien virus in X-Files. Get what I’m sayin?

Pre-divorce, my immediate response to his anger was either:

What do you do when you’re scared? read on and respond at the end!

hi, beautiful! How to confidently deal with Life’s Transitions

A story, a hug, and a storytelling invite generous and hardworking helpers can use to confidently navigate life’s transitions.

Don’t want to read the story? Skip to Your HUG and a Storytelling Prompt!

Does any of this sound familiar?

“I just feel like a part of me no longer fits with my life.”

“I’m grieving…everything (climate change, my kid graduating kindergarten, divorce, loss of a friend, the body I once had…)”

“I’m exhausted and can’t keep up with everything and everyone. Where will I find the time?”

“Is this it?” – a small voice inside of you

If so, you might be in – or close to – a time of change in your life. Take heart, beautiful, generous soul, you can learn to navigate them with grace and ease. Here’s an example of life’s transitions on my side of the fence

during times of transition, you can still flourish.