Have these words ever graced your big, beautiful brain? God I don’t know what I want to do with my life? or So, how to find a career when nothing interests you? You, brave, generous soul, are in the right place to find an answer. Heidi Esther is a career coach for women and a certified emotional intelligence life coach with your next 4 moves.
A Story
I sat there, on the floor of Meijer grocery store. You know, that aisle that has all the fish tanks at the back?
My large, full shopping cart off to one side, a pink bundle of sleepy, slow-drinking baby in my lap. Next to me, my toddler shoveling handfuls of Cheerios into his mouth, staring at the fish. Cheerios spilling everywhere.
I closed my eyes and heard the ice cream dripping from the bottom of the shopping cart.
But I wasn’t sad or mad. This was my life! I prevented another complete meltdown. And that’s the exact moment when a familiar thought punched through my mile-long to-do and to-clean and to-care for lists…
Is this it?
I stared at the fish tanks. All those fish, swimming around and around the little castles and fake plants. I wondered if they ever had that question.
When life gives you lemons, how can you develop a positive, caring mindset to process and move forward with more knowledge and confidence? Here’s your answer.
Don’t gloss over your hardship. Greet it like a dear friend, who is ready to help you clear the way for more of your brilliance. For in the clearing, new buds will emerge to provide you new light, breath, and growth. Yes, Phoenix, you will rise again.
“I just feel like a part of me no longer fits with my life.”
“I’m grieving…everything (climate change, my kid graduating kindergarten, divorce, loss of a friend, the body I once had…)”
“I’m exhausted and can’t keep up with everything and everyone. Where will I find the time?”
“Is this it?” – a small voice inside of you
If so, you might be in – or close to – a time of change in your life. Take heart, beautiful, generous soul, you can learn to navigate them with grace and ease. Here’s an example of life’s transitions on my side of the fence
Keywords: 500 things to be grateful for, be obsessively grateful, deeply grateful, everyday grateful
I was at a big grocery store, mid-November. I pushed a full cart while walking down the food aisles with my little ones.
My daughter, two years old with a pink fleece hat, her wispy blonde hair already static-clinged to it, was happily munching on some blueberries with a blanket and her winter coat tucked around her. The corners of my mouth turned up as I licked my fingers and tried to put some back into place.
My three year old son’s hands were on the cart handle and his feet were on the bottom of the full-size shopping cart, ready to pick up cans of soup from the shelves or find the perfect ripe bunch of bananas.
I read a sign next to the frozen turkeys: Welcome to Gratitude month! Share your gratitude around the table.
I stopped my cart.
In my cart, I had a cornucopia of bountiful food. My kids were healthy, helpful, and kind. My husband makes an abundance; we have everything we could possibly need.
I felt I should be grateful, but I wasn’t. My head started chiming in.
What is wrong with me? Am I entitled? Am I part of the problem? I write thank you notes to people for everything, for Pete’s sake!! It’s, literally, part of my job as a fundraiser. I’m sure I’m grateful for something in this moment.
“Mommy, what do we need?” my son chimed in. I looked at his sweet face then back down at my list.
“A break from all this!” I said out loud, then cupped my hand over my mouth. My face turned red and a pit formed in my stomach. My head started up again. With the errands, the baking, the preschool coop duties, the looming holiday checklist flooded in.
“Silly mommy, yes let’s finish up to get a break from shopping and then we can get you home for some fun rest time!” I exclaimed and restarted our journey.
Why we feel we should be obsessively grateful, deeply grateful, everyday grateful, when we’re not
MOST IMPORTANT TAKEAWAY ALERT! Not feeling genuinely grateful does not make you a bad or entitled or ungrateful person.
What does it really mean? Here is what’s going on underneath: When we can’t access gratitude, it does not mean it’s not there. It means something else is there that needs expression first.
Simply put, when you fake being grateful, you are invalidating other emotions or needs that have to be addressed first. Think about it like firmly standing on pile of clothes you are trying to put on. (with gratitude at the bottom) Hard, right?
– Heidi Esther, Joyologist
That’s what you’re doing to your emotions – yes, including gratitude!
First: Don’t feel like you need to force gratitude. Forced gratitude is in the category of “toxic positivity”. While it might smooth over some things on the outside, on the inside you are creating a greater divide between who you are to yourself and who you are on the outside. If you feel like being grateful would be like wearing a mask, this is why.
A Simple Way to Explain the Relationship
Healthy emotional expression clears your emotional room. Gratitude decorates it.
If you decorate without clearing, it feels forced. If you clear without decorating, it feels empty. You need both for emotional wellbeing and balance.
5 Reasons you might not be able to authentically feel everyday gratitude
Your body is in survival / manager / fixer / problem solver mode. You are living in fight/flight/freeze. As a result, your brain prioritizes danger scanning.
You have an unprocessed emotion(s) taking up space. When you’re unaware of your other emotions, gratitude gets repressed as well. You might have an elephant in the room that is taking up a LOT of space.
You’re in burnout or emotional exhaustion. When the emotional load and workload are high, there’s no room to process and get to gratitude. (This is the primary state I was in at in the grocery store)
You unconsciously invalidate. You might rationalize or justify pieces of your life you need to validate to see (Also, I was here – I was constantly invalidating my thoughts as “silly” or “stupid”.)
How can you open up to feel deeply grateful, even obsessively grateful? Emotional Expression, baby
Here are three steps to becoming the. most grateful version of yourself.
Before you can identify and process any feelings, here’s a question. Do you identify as someone who is in constant problem solver mode or trending towards burnout? Then it’s time to work with a coach or mindfulness professional to help you create a routine that gives you energy vs just takes it.
Know that you are worth feeling good, every day.
There are many wellness professionals, therapists and coaches. I am a Certified Mindfulness Based Stress Practicioner and you can book a Clarity Call with me at https://HeidiEsther.com/calendar/#coffee
STEP 1 SUMMARY: Take care of your body to move it towards gaining energy through an inner care and physical care routine.
Emotional Intelligence Growth Step 2: Self-Awareness of Repression
In Emotional Intelligence, getting to gratitude calls upon two pillars: self-awareness and self-regulation. Often, we do not let ourselves feel certain emotions (because we have been socialized to be perceived as “that kind” of a person.)
But, guess what? When it comes to emotions, All of Us are “that kind” of person. Emotions are one of the things that we all share, that make us uniquely human.
However, in service to safety, a persona, a set of family values, or a commitment to overwork, we may have learned that certain emotions were neither necessary or allowed. And then we learn to do something that slowly makes us lead less authentic and joyful lives.
We learn to repress our emotions. Our emotional regulation goes to the extreme: we become emotionally numb. We live in emotional deserts.
To get to gratitude, it’s critical to understand how you bypass your feelings. To understand how you Distract yourself.
Can’t stress it enough: Self-awareness is key! A good place to start to is how you react to stress and how your parents or caregivers managed difficulties. Maybe we rationalize them away. Maybe we become ticking-time bombs. Maybe we watch cute kitten videos. Maybe we obsessively organize closets or drink Diet Coke. Maybe we get overly involved in other peoples’ problems. Maybe we turn into a human productivity machine.
STEP 2 SUMMARY: Understand how you are repressing your feelings. Practice stopping yourself and acknowledging them before you repress them.
Emotional Intelligence Growth Step 3: Process through the Emotional Ladder
On the Emotional Ladder, Gratitude is at the TOP. Which means we need to process (step-by-step) all the other emotions to get there.
TO KNOW: Emotions build on each other step by step, like a ladder. And we can feel more than one emotion at once.
So, yes, to feel deeply grateful, it’s imperative to feel your other feelings.
(Which is exactly why you can’t tell someone who is depressed to cheer up, because on the way to “cheerful” the depressed person needs to go through anger, jealousy, overwhelm, and boredom)
PRO TIP: When we feel we should be grateful, we are adding another emotion to process: Shame. When we “should” all over ourselves, this is us punishing ourselves. So, remember to bring out some self-compassion when processing that one – and all emotions! <<HUG>>
STEP 3 SUMMARY: Process your humanity (feelings.)
5 life benefits of Emotional Expression
1. Reduces stress and overwhelm Letting emotions move through your body lowers physical tension, reduces anxiety, and prevents emotional “build-up” that leads to snapping, shutdown, or burnout.
2. Improves clarity and decision-making When you acknowledge your feelings, your nervous system calms and your prefrontal cortex (the thinking part of your brain) comes back online.
3. Strengthens emotional resilience Regularly naming and processing emotions teaches your brain that feelings aren’t dangerous, making it easier to navigate future stress.
4. Builds self-awareness and internal trust You learn what your emotions are trying to tell you — needs, boundaries, desires — and you trust yourself more deeply.
5. Improves relationships When you understand and regulate your own emotions, communication becomes clearer, conflicts soften, and empathy grows.
4 Physical benefits of Emotional expression
Reduces sympathetic activation: Lowers stress hormones (cortisol, adrenaline) and helps the body shift out of fight/flight/freeze.
Regulates the nervous system: Activates the parasympathetic system, slowing heart rate, relaxing muscles, and improving digestion.
Improves emotional processing in the brain. Naming feelings reduces amygdala activation and increases prefrontal cortex functioning (clarity, logic, decision-making).
Prevents physical tension buildup: Lower risk of headaches, chronic tension, gut issues, and stress-related inflammation.
Okay, so can you just do gratitude? Or just feel emotions without gratitude? Yes, however…
Emotional Expression Without Gratitude
You may feel cleared out but empty — like you processed the hard stuff but didn’t refill.
Mood may stay “neutral” or slightly heavy.
You risk reinforcing a belief that life is mostly hard or overwhelming.
Result: You feel honest… but not hopeful.
Gratitude Without Emotional Expression
(This is very common in overwhelmed moms, high achievers, and people pleasers.)
Gratitude stays as an emotional cover instead of a joy-bringer.
Emotions don’t get processed and start to stack up. This can cause irritability, numbness, resentment, exhaustion.
You feel like you’re wearing a mask and forcing it.
Result: You feel fake or inauthentic.
Getting to Deeply Grateful: 500 things to be grateful for
While the emotional ladder only has a couple dozen emotions, did you know that we are capable of feeling up to 34,000 different feelings!?!
So, let’s start with feelings: that’s 700 x 500 things to be grateful for!
Ready to leave “shoulds” behind and start feeling gratitude? Download my Gratitude Calendars in the Phoenix Vault in the Confidence and Brilliance Folder today!
Are you a generous helper who is navigating stress, worry, doubt, or indecision and is ready to live a life of Confident Joy and live Everyday Gratitude?
Book a 30 minute clarity call and I can help you see what’s in your way of you becoming someone who is deeply grateful for everything – for real!
Keywords: Anxious mom, Emotional Intelligence Coaching, second guess myself, power to make decisions. Are you ready to know and grow yourself better through emotional wellbeing? Let’s lean in 🙂
Why am I second guessing myself? Does that sound familiar? Today I’ll share a story around one Simple Tool for Anxious Moms and Overwhelmed Professionals Who Want the Power to Make Decisions with Confidence, powered by Emotional Intelligence Coaching.
Whether you’re an exhausted professional or anxious mom who feels pulled in ten directions — from project deadlines to family needs — it’s no wonder that decision-making can feel impossible sometimes.
You might replay conversations, worry about disappointing people, or second guess yourself even after you’ve made a choice.
The truth is, the more stress you’re under, the more your emotional brain takes the driver’s seat — which means both logic and intuition get drowned out.
That’s where emotional intelligence coaching and one simple, overlooked strategy (below) can be a game changer. They help you slow down and build the clarity to make decisions that are aligned with you — not just your stress.
Keywords: exhausted mom quotes, mom burnout quotes, self care is self love, self care and self love, self care vs self love, care plan for self care deficit
Sometimes, I feel like butter scraped over too much bread.
When I pause and feel there’s not enough of me to go around, It’s time. Time to practice a care plan for self care deficit.
Does a self care plan sound like commitment or too much work? Then read this!
FAST: Each item takes less than 5 minutes. And can be done waiting to pick up your kid, in the shower, drinking coffee.
EASY: Give yourself permission to Practice your care plan. This gives you the flexibility to change it, try it, love it, or leave it.
CHALLENGE: I challenge you to find one thing on the bottom handout that you can do to start practicing self care over the next four weeks.
Self Care and Self Love
Think self care is selfish? Then these tips will remind you that it isn’t. It’s necessary to not be running around on the brink of burnout all the time. They are designed to bring you a snippet of joy and peace to your heart – anytime.
BONUS! They are designed to help you remember who you are. And who is that? Who is someone who is just as worthy and beautiful as all those you help and care for.
You are worthy of Joy.
You are worthy of Peace.
I invite you to ask yourself this question after each tip: is this some thing I can easily incorporate into my overfilled day? If so, then I invite you to try it!
Are Self Care and Self Love made up?
I used to think self care and self love were bullshit. Made up by “some people” who weren’t logical in nature. Read: math and science brains. Note: I have an engineering degree.
I couldn’t have been more wrong. Self care and self love are the inner practice of what we first learn to do on the outside – for others. But a lot of us learned to receive and give love conditionally. For example…
“I’ll be happy when…”
“If you loved me, you’d…”
I learned to earn praise and recognition by cleaning the house, losing weight, and getting perfect grades. Note: I am a recovering perfectionist and people pleaser. By learning to give and receive love conditionally, we learn the same thing for ourselves.
With conditional love, we become our own worst enemy. And then believe self care and self love are bullshit.
Self Care vs Self Love
Next, you might ask yourself. What’s the difference between self care and self love anyway? Are they at odds? Can you have one without the other?
Can you have light without the sun? Nope.
Self Care is the fuel of Self Love. By practicing self care – however small – you are practicing self love. This is because of something so small we take for granted.
What is the thing you most need to invest in abundance to fall in love with someone?
Time.
You are worthy of your own time.
Giving yourself time to get to know, befriend, care for, play with, and find joy with yourself starts with self care and ends with becoming the love of your life. – Heidi Esther, Joyologist
The Truth: Self Care is Self Love
Truth: You’ll never feel self love if you are listening to your inner critic. If you listen to your critic, you will only be happy “when” you or others are and do what you expect them to. Read: You’ll only love yourself sometimes.
Spoiler alert: WE HUMANS are HORRIBLE predictors of the future.*
Is it time to eradicate the if and when and learn to accept our messy, broken, healing, weird brilliant selves right now. Because why?
You, my dear, are already perfect in your own way. Resilient in your own wholeness.
Just like a tree that might have been splintered in half still stands, blooms, seeds, and spreads her branches to the light, you are brilliantly beautiful and whole in your own way.
It’s time for you to see your light.
When we ignore out needs for others, we give permission for others to ignore themselves. When we learn to love ourselves unconditionally, we give permission for everyone else to do the same.
TL;DR You are worth your own time. Today, and every day.
7 joyfully quick Tips to Create a Care Plan for Self Care Deficit
Want a HIGH RES PDF of this? Scroll Below the image.
Are your kids are growing up too fast? Wish things had turned out differently? Looking for positive mindset hacks to Live with No regrets without bypassing the work? Here is your answer, Resilient woman!
TL;DR You, brilliant soul, are worthy of loving yourself free of regrets. – Heidi Esther
“Hey mom, I’ll be your Tik Tok manager. I can do that.” my son suggested in between shovels of dinner.
My heart soared. I envisioned him stopping by on weekends from college. Helping me navigate the new platform with ease. Each of us laughing and weaving our bond stronger.
In my heart, I knew he needed his time. I could feel a catch in my throat.
“How about we see how your first year goes, then maybe I can pay you next summer?” I asked and winked.
Later that night, I sat down and reflected. I knew exactly where that catch came from. Regret. Honestly, I live with almost no regrets, as crazy as that sounds. Not from Unemployment. Not from Divorce.
Regret pops in from time to time from the most unlikely place: When I was home with my kids.
Why? I wasn’t present; I was too busy trying to be perfect. I took all the pictures and was never in them. I don’t remember the smell of my babies or watching them in wonder and awe.
I went through this process to make peace with that me; that time. To reinforce my resilient woman.
3 keys To Live with no Regret?
1) Compassionate Copilot. First, send love, grace, and forgiveness to yourself. As if you were your best friend. What will the committee in your head get you? Just more headaches.
2) Lucky Penny. Sometimes we regret things that happened. Whether or not they were in our control, our job in life is to accept. Not accepting keeps our energy locked up and us not living our best lives. What was one lesson you learned and one thing you can be grateful for?
3) Try your best? Can you honestly say you tried your best with what you knew and who you were? If not, can you make a promise to yourself for next time? Realizing you tried your best reduces your shame and regret.
By engaging our compassion, gratitude, and making a promise to our future selves, we carve a heart-centered way to process, accept, and step forward as more resilient women. In the end, we lessen the shame and regret and tune into more present moment goodness and joy.
YES! The Joy that you deserve!
Your HUG
My dear, You are so Loved and Supported. You are here for a reason. You are made to be a unique, Brilliant Leader who lives in Joy.
It’s time to rewrite your story and Free your inner, Confident self.
In honor of all you are, I send you this Hug. Hug yourself or look at yourself in the mirror and say…
I am grateful for who I was and who I am.
Here’s another read about maintaining a Positive, Caring Mindset you might be interested in, resilient woman!
Get ready for some affirmations and unconventional presents for working moms of any cloth. You’ll be surprised – they work for pretty much ANYONE. And you can’t buy them in a store…
A Story
As we went around the discussion circle, it became apparent. Being a working mom in the summer is its own dilemma. Each woman was asked to answer this question:
What would Success look like for you this summer?
“I love spending time with my kids, but…”
“How can I keep up the momentum and stay present for my kids?”
“I am not taking on any new clients.”
“…I know I’ll never get this time back.”
“Because I’m not the primary breadwinner…”
I could see the hope and despair in every woman’s eyes. The joy and exhaustion. The guilt and the longing.
In the midwest, summer can be glorious. And it can be full of competing priorities and values. Enough to flatten any strong hard working mom and send her pleading for Sleigh Bells and Stuffed Schedules.
My turn was coming up; my head was spinning. What to say?
My logical brain started: My kids are self-sufficient. Well, in most ways. But, to be honest, my son is leaving for college soon. (insert sadness) Homelife has been (insert: stressful.) And I’m still trying to figure out what a solid foundation for my business is. (insert worry)
Though the kids are picking their own blended schedules over the summer for the first time, I felt only one answer scream at me.
How are you, beautiful? My wish for you today is to welcome in the darkness with stillness and curiosity, while also holding space for hope and light. As my dear friend and astrologer says (I’m paraphrasing) “may you welcome in the yin and yang, the duality of life.” The duality of the knowledge in the dying and rebirth of the light within you. After all, it’s only after we let things go that we can let in the new. Speaking of letting go and letting in, I feel called to share a little story with you.
Are you the Hero, The Damsel, or The Evil Stepmother?
When my kids were little, I was a bit of an exhausted perfectionistic doormat-y mommy. Who tried to do it all. Who tried to create a life for my kids where they learned, thrived, and were properly bathed and socialized… I called my mom everyday, to learn things from how to mash potatoes and even plant something in the ground.
But, as if all that wasn’t enough…
Something always followed me around, from the time I was a teen through the next two decades of my life. A sinking pit in my stomach. Every time there was a movement, I would jump. Every time I got in the car and looked in my rearview mirror. Every time I was on the sidewalk and someone walked towards me, that sinking sensation in my stomach would happen, and I would move to the side and apologize for my double-wide (stroller.)
YEA, it’s like I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was waiting to be “found out”. I was at-the-ready to apologize for whatever came up, whatever I did, just to make sure everyone had the best experience. It’s like I was constantly feeling that I was doing something wrong. In reality, I was overhelping and people pleasing to exhaustion.
But I thought, all this time: I am a Helper, after all! That’s my superpower. I’m the best Robin that Batman ever saw!
So, what was the problem?
When my life fell apart in all its kaleidoscope of colors, being the helper and the sidekick didn’t work. I had to work on myself and my mess.
And that’s when it happened.
I realized I was not meant to live my life as Robin.
HONEST EDIT > (I did try living my life as a damsel in distress and also as my own evil stepmother, those didn’t work either, fyi)
After a fractal journey of learning through pain points, ( < welcome to the hero’s fractal journey and my logo) I realized that…
To live authentically,
while having the most joy, and
no longer “waiting for the other shoe to drop”…
I had to let go of living in the shadow and embrace standing in my own Heroic light.
I had to embrace being someone who doesn’t get pits in their stomach. Who doesn’t apologize for taking up space.
So, I had to ask myself this question all the time. And now I’m asking it of you (in each little situation you get into…) Are You the Hero, the Damsel, or the Evil Stepmother?
AND, if you notice you’re NOT the hero, here’s your #JoyChallenge!
Hero Step >> Believe You are Equally Worthy
I had to believe that I am just as worthy as everyone else of living life as The Hero. Having this belief was the first step to claiming my Heroic Joy.
Now, I walk alongside women through the process of believing and owning their worth. Of feeling they are just as divine and as much as a gift to our world as Mother Theresa.
How do I do this? I hold space to reflect your unique brilliance. I walk you through Three Frameworks: Emotional Intelligence, Self-Leadership, and Co-active Coaching for fulfillment and balance. I provide the questions. Because I know, beautiful {{ subscriber.first_name }}, you have the answers inside.
So, are you ready to Embrace your Hero?
Here are two steps you can do any day, beautiful 💃 💃
Chat with me about your journey and see if support is what you need to unleash your inner Hero (FYI I have only 2 OPENINGS left in January)
💝 💝 💝 What a better present to give YOU and YOUR LIFE than one of empowered Joy, amIright? 💝 💝 💝
sending you love, light, and worthiness to light a thousand galaxies,
heidi esther
*What does this phrase mean, anyway? According to grammarist.com… The phrase wait for the other shoe to drop became popular at the turn of the twentieth century, and originated in New York tenements. Tenements were usually poorly constructed, crowded apartment buildings. A resident could certainly hear his upstairs neighbor dropping his shoes on the floor as he took them off at night–first one, then the other.
HONESTLY, it’s pretty much impossible to live a life that brings you Joy if you are always treating yourself not as equally brilliant as everyone else. So, if you want more joy, then give yourself permission to be the Hero of your day! And, if that’s too hard, try being the hero of your morning, first. Rooting for you 💕 💕
