Want real friends as an adult? A stronger support network? A longer, happier life? Learn practical steps through true stories from Heidi Esther, joy and life coach, and her proven transformational authentic leadership framework.
Get ready for some affirmations and unconventional presents for working moms of any cloth. You’ll be surprised – they work for pretty much ANYONE. And you can’t buy them in a store…
A Story
As we went around the discussion circle, it became apparent. Being a working mom in the summer is its own dilemma. Each woman was asked to answer this question:
What would Success look like for you this summer?
“I love spending time with my kids, but…”
“How can I keep up the momentum and stay present for my kids?”
“I am not taking on any new clients.”
“…I know I’ll never get this time back.”
“Because I’m not the primary breadwinner…”
I could see the hope and despair in every woman’s eyes. The joy and exhaustion. The guilt and the longing.
In the midwest, summer can be glorious. And it can be full of competing priorities and values. Enough to flatten any strong hard working mom and send her pleading for Sleigh Bells and Stuffed Schedules.
My turn was coming up; my head was spinning. What to say?
My logical brain started: My kids are self-sufficient. Well, in most ways. But, to be honest, my son is leaving for college soon. (insert sadness) Homelife has been (insert: stressful.) And I’m still trying to figure out what a solid foundation for my business is. (insert worry)
Though the kids are picking their own blended schedules over the summer for the first time, I felt only one answer scream at me.
A story… Recently, I woke up and I felt off. About 20 minutes into reorganizing my bathroom closet, I realized that I was in hard-core avoidance mode. As I weeded out the slimified old lotion bottles, I knew it was time.
I sat down and cried. I didn’t judge or question myself.I journaled. THEN, that afternoon, I connected with two friends to process the meltdown.
What’s up, my beautiful friend? How are you and how are you taking care of your learning spirit today? I am cuddled under two blankets on a couch next to two dogs who know something’s up.
Yep, there are suitcases, snacks, and pillows next to the front door. My wife and I are heading out for a weekend away. And (sound the trumpets!) I’ve slept in the last two days. I almost feel like my-rested self again. Kinda like I finished finals. Makes me wonder what grades I got.
Which reminds me. I grew up with two parents as teachers. I learned the deep value of learning. Somehow, I also developed a belief that, if you weren’t a teacher in a school, then I wasn’t listening. I was closed. Before I was self aware, I even told people they were wrong. No wonder I ended up on work assignments surrounded by potatoes.
Once I opened up to the humble possibility that anything could be a teacher, magic happened. My healing accelerated. Relationships improved. My anxiety got better. I’ve since learned from wise men, friends, sidewalks, my stepdog, and being quiet.
Like, thanks to what I learned from my sleep deprivation, I know I need support with my son’s soccer stuff. I’m setting up a carpool for his next soccer group. Regular bedtimes, here I come!
So, my beautiful friend. Here’s an invitation for you.
Stay humble, open, and curious. The world can be your teacher. You can learn from the least and most of beings. Even the sky on your dog’s potty break can reveal to you that presence is a precious gift.
Heidi Esther
caption for image
And with that, I give you Episode 002 of Live with Heidi and Heather. We talk about personal development, and why, like teachers, it can make your life.
Cheshire Cat Exercise
Sometimes we get so focused on what we’re doing, or how much we got accomplished, we forget to stay open. To all the world is trying to teach us.
Curiosity. In my upcoming book, it is one of the first mindsets I adopted before I could move forward. In the companion workbook that will come out with my book, I talk about how to cultivate curiosity. And…it usually starts with a question. “Would releasing my money blocks be interesting?” OR “Why am I not happy?” OR “I wonder how it would feel to…”
Open yourself up to your inner curiosity. Let your voice be heard. Then, follow your curiosity up and down the winding roads. Breath and learn from the road blocks. Why? Because you’ll soon be driving alongside the joyful love of your life: YO.U.
Because, honey, you ain’t gonna be honest with yourself until you stop believing the lies. And you definitely won’t put the whip down until you realize it’s in your hand.
Keywords: self-awareness, emotional intelligence self-awareness, the opposite of perfectionism, case study emotional intelligence
In the kitchen of my post-divorce duplex, I turn the page of my National Parks wall calendar. A picture of a buffalo on a snow-dusted prairie meets my gaze. My heart pounds and a knot forms in my lower back.
Only three months until migraine-season. Oh, sorry, I mean Christmas. Let me rephrase: Perfect Christmas.
“Ugggggh,” I audibly sigh.
I sit down at the kitchen table like an old lady. What am I going to do about Christmas? I want it to be PERFECT. I work full time. My ex spews hate at me. My nannies are unreliable. I don’t even have extra money to overcompensate for less homemade stuff. I’m exhausted.
I stare at the buffalo.
Okay, maybe this is an Emotional Intelligence Self-Awareness moment. I relax all the ways I imagine I’m making my veins popping out and breathe into the knot in my lower back.
Treat yourself as a friend echos in my mind. In a friendly deep tone, like the calendar buffalo said it.
In reality, somebody said that in a Codependents Anonymous meeting. What does that mean? First, think about what you’re doing and saying to yourself. Second, step to the side of all that mind chatter and ask yourself “how would a friend respond to what I said?” Then do that. The goal is to learn to treat myself as a friend.
What would a friend say to my Christmas dilemma?
I have to do less so I don’t get migraines? Or I need to figure out how to not hate the last third of every year? Or that Perfect Christmas is impossible, and she would hand me a drink? What is the Opposite of Perfectionism, anyway?
You can practice being your own friend, that friendly-Buffalo voice chimes back in in my head. Hmmm, practice. That’s an interesting word.
I get a sharpie and make a little word bubble on the calendar. I step back and look at Mr. Buffalo speaking his wisdom, “Practice Being my own friend.” I underline the word Practice and smile a broad smile. My inner perfectionist eases the knot in my back a little more. Maybe Practice has something to do with the opposite of perfectionism.
Over the next few Christmases, I Practice being my own friend around Christmas. Guess what happens?
I have significantly reduced migraines
I carve time for my own Christmas Celebrations -filled with silence, writing, and prayer instead of Go-Go-Go
I prioritize connection and done over perfect. I experience the Opposite of Perfectionis!
The Opposite of Perfectionism
Judgement (read: Criticism, Perfectionism, Worry) is like a whip. We’re wired to conserve energy – so we avoid suffering, accept the whip, and unconsciously stay within learned thinking patterns. The result?
The whipping continues and we don’t suffer, because our brains are comfortable with it – and its wounds. We normalize our pain.
When we realize the whip is in our hand, we have a choice.
One sure-fire way to move past this is to adopt a fail-forward internal culture, or the culture of Practicing. It’s time we practice being our own friends first. This is the opposite of perfectionism.
Because, honestly, what’s the point of freedom if we’re jailed?
Heidi Esther
The Question
Your Emotional Intelligence Self-Awareness Builder: Next time you are in a critical, perfectionistic, or worry-spiral, pause and ask yourself these questions: “What am I practicing here? What might a good friend say if I told them my challenge?“
Below are two ways to help you build Practicing + a Fail-Forward Internal Culture.
Subscribe to my Linked In Vault below – growing every week – to get the following High-Res PDFs
The Fail Forward culture is under EQ – Teams and Support. Practice Shoes are under The inner Critic.
You too will soon be enjoying more Emotional Intelligence Self-Awareness and living the Opposite of Perfectionism!
Jonathan (apathetically, on the phone): I know, Mom.
Really? Does he know that his “streak” of 11, 13, and 14-hour days of screen time is making him dumber? And the other days at his Dad’s were equally impressive or horrifying (depending on how you look at it): 8, 9, and 12 hours.
I stood with sinking legs, at the threshold of my ex’s new house. Inside was silent and cave-dark against the light from the doorway. His large figure, daunting, challenging, between me and the sun.
I wanted a hoodie. I needed a bathroom. I desperately wanted to compliment him. My kids, 6 and 7, were still inside, looking for guidance. My tongue was stuck; lead feet ensued.
Geeeeeze, people, stop getting ahead of yourselves! This is not a story about violence. But when my ex gets angry, it’s like his eyes sink into his head and turn all black – like the black-oil people who get infected with the alien virus in X-Files. Get what I’m sayin?
Pre-divorce, my immediate response to his anger was either:
It was quiet as a library. The room was spacious with a low ceiling. It was all wood- smelling. More like a forest than a yoga studio – except for one window wall. It ushered in the only light. The light of dusk on a heavy, cloudy day that was never awake enough to wash the sleep out of its eyes.
I live so many of those days with my toddlers, in velour tracksuits with an unbrushed ponytail. If I hadn’t had 2 cups of coffee after dinner, it would also be lights-out for me.
Well, there are treks through Swamps of Sadness, rides on uni-llama-corns, brave journeys into dark thorny brambles of the soul, and unexpected blessings of drunken poetry. There is no Prince Charming. There are ugly bathroom-stall cries, and times “I cried so hard, tears ran down my leg.” There are shame, isolation, migraines, hundreds of chocolate chip cookies, friends, angels, demons, bad haircuts, the miracle of life, and the miracle of a soul, finally, heard.
33 Years. That’s how long it took before I woke up. At that point, I had an oversized suburban house and a toddler for each leg. I had it all, and, yet, every day I woke up and felt old and crumpled, like at least 50. (which seemed old at the time, but, really, 50 is the new 40…)
No wonder I ended up on work assignments surrounded by potatoes. 
