Quietly pumping iron can happen to you, too.
It was quiet as a library. The room was spacious with a low ceiling. It was all wood- smelling. More like a forest than a yoga studio – except for one window wall. It ushered in the only light. The light of dusk on a heavy, cloudy day that was never awake enough to wash the sleep out of its eyes.
I live so many of those days with my toddlers, in velour tracksuits with an unbrushed ponytail. If I hadn’t had 2 cups of coffee after dinner, it would also be lights-out for me.
I laid as a sweaty corpse on my mat with 11 other people. Which was good, because we were in the “corpse pose”: Savasana. Under me were:
- One bolster (knees)
- Three blankets (head)
- Two blankets (ankles)
- One blanket (wrists)
Apparently I needed A LOT of support to lay on the ground. More than the 11 women who were, on average, 2 decades older than me. Shouldn’t I need the least support?
Unlike the rest of my first rigorous yoga class, I was enjoying the calm. Nothing in my life is this calm. I’m usually up through the night with one of my toddlers. And my to-do list could mummify someone.
My friend, Amy, who told me that I was a feminist and lent me some Ani Difranco albums, said yoga would be good for my new journey. However, my instructor has some karma coming for her. I don’t care that she is world-renowned. She walked around telling people what they were doing wrong. And who the hell knows what it means to turn “your inner upper arms out”? Yea, I might as well stretch my spleen. And, yes, I know that I’m inflexible. You don’t have to tell EVERYONE.
This is what quiet can bring you.
Instructor: (10 seconds in-between each): Close your eyes. Quiet your head. Breathe in the nose; out the mouth. Let go of each part of your body.
Well, instructor yoga zen master, this is a little ridiculous. But, I will try it for you. And Amy.
- Stomach has a knot
- Brow is furrowed
- Hands are clenched
- Neck-shoulder intersection is tight
Hmmm. That was surprising. Letting go feels good.
Oh great. Now, I’m SUPER hungry. I wonder if we have any leftovers in the fridge? Did anyone finish the spaghetti? Do feminists grab Burger King after yoga? OKAY, zen master, I’m just going to lay here and try to not clench anything. Like my uterus.
What’s the point of this pose, anyway? Maybe it has to do with chakra alignment… but this instructor is more a yoga Terminator than a yoga Maria VonTrapp.
OKAY trying to shut up now… (did the kids get to bed on time?)
And now (maybe I’ll get fries.)
And now (my feet itch. Has it been 5 minutes?)
Waterfall time.
I took a deep breath. Tears started running down my face. I felt I was back in my yellow canopy bed under my Holly Hobby comforter holding my Winnie the Pooh blankie. Like I was being cradled by…
Something bigger than me. And wiser. Maybe the zen master is actually a zen master?
Instructor: You can start to move your fingers and toes.
Maybe it can feel good to cry. Even if it’s not a funeral. Maybe this weird yoga class is good, too. Maybe I’ll get 2 cheeseburgers instead of one. Yea, definitely.
Like this story? Want to know more about Heidi? Try this one!
Poem: Listening
How quiet can you be? To hear the wind, To feel the pain, To smell the start of rain? How quiet can you be? To soothe the scar, To stretch with flowers, To hold your little-you for hours?
The SoulJourner Question
Hey! Did you get to the end? Woot! Woot! Let me know what little or big experiences you’ve had that started you on a path of self-awareness? Or maybe of a time when you realized you weren’t alone?
