Living Guilt Free

I sat there, yesterday, on my bed. My hot laptop staring right at me. My legs aching from laying flat; my middle-aged back screaming “you know, you have a desk for work now!”

But my stomach and head weren’t listening, despite the nagging. It had been three hours since my last break. All was well. All my tabs closed, well, except….
Except my personal email tab. The purple outline of my google chrome browser was still open at top of my screen, haunting me.

OMG, IS HEIDI ESTHER’S COMPUTER HAUNTED???

(Poem) You are Lovable, Loving, and Loved

I wrote Lovable, Loving, and Loved for you. For all the beautiful, hard-working, helping, brilliant Yous within. For all the sometimes messy, anxious, infuriated, depressed, over-worked, tired Yous within. May you take time every day to rejoice and replenish the timeless, worthy soul who is you.

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click here to read the poem

Do you like to watch?

Hello, my dear! How are you, and how’s it going this week? We are bracing for a winter storm of sorts, so I made some peach sourdough bread and unearthed the snowblower. How’s the weather your way? Would love to know how you are taking care of yourself.

Just a sweet reminder that I’m thinking of you and I am also embracing my own one-of-a-kindness. And I am understanding my energetic limits and how I need to take care of myself.

The Result? I hope you like to watch because I am sharing my messages via Facebook and Youtube every week. (I’m saving my writing for launching For Cryin’ Out Loud, writing the next book, and help with Peeling Your Onion, in case you were wondering!)

Long story short, you can find all you need on my site!

Go to This page for the most recent YouTube Episode or
Come here for the most recent POD
Check out the Facebook & Apple Podcast links, so you can join or subscribe there if you want!

Oh! Before I forget, I have a couple conversations coming up with some very interesting folks, plus a live storytelling (TODAY ON Facebook/Youtube), and Live with Heidi and Heather is coming back on February 16.

Sending you love, light, and laughter,

Heidi Esther

Curiosity may have killed the cat, but…

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Hello my joyful, beautiful friend! How are you? And how are you taking care of yourself this season? I’m so CURIOUS to know…

Because, my beautiful friend, there are so many fruitful things that come out of a habit of curiosity. Being open to new ideas. Putting on your courageous panties and walking forward. Or taking care of your needs in new ways. Allowing all the parts of you to be. (Even those you are, like, “why me, God?”)

So, my dear, my wish for you. May you embrace curiosity as a way to shine the light on all parts of your beautiful, evolving, messy, limitless, sometimes-troubled, sometimes-doubting, soul. And may you allow all your gifts to have a home in your heart. No. Matter. What.

And if you would like to hear more about curiosity…

click here to listen to go directly my curiosity convo with valeria

SuperStep 5: Getting Stronger

Welcome to SuperStep 5: Getting Stronger! Here is more info for you on the Everyday Superhero Method. Squashy story is right below! ⬇️

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Who will win: Heidi or the Squash?

The warm, autumn afternoon sunshine beamed down on our living room dog bed. Which was repositioned for the third time that day in its journey to stay with the sun. Olive, my Chiweenie, lay over the side with her front paws in prayer position, holding her orange chewy bone.

don’t pets have the best lives? IKR! read on curious soul >>>

Live with Heidi and Heather: Episode 003

Is Happiness a Red Herring?

Join Heidi Esther and Heather Kokx as they delve into the dark corners of…the ever-elusive Happiness in Episode 003 Happiness.

listen to this

https://youtu.be/Lbrkb73htME

Or watch on You tube

The SoulJourner QUESTion

Calling in my Winnie Exercise

In the Tao of Pooh, author Benjamin Hoff breaks each A.A. Milne character down into their core way of being. For Winnie the Pooh, he is the epitome of Taoism: he allows life, he lives in present, he is calm and joyful. For all the other characters, they have an overage of something that prevents them from fully enjoying life. If they could only see! (Here’s a slideshow if you want more info on the characters.)

After this exercise, you’ll be able to see when you’re a little off and Calling in Your Winnie. Embracing the values of Winnie the Pooh will help you find your inner Zen master, literally! More peace. More happiness. More flow. Boom, baby!

First, please note that it’s totally OKAY to have a favorite character who is NOT Winnie the Pooh! They are all adorable, beautiful, loyal friends.

STEP 1: Pause

When you’re feeling crappy or not enjoying all that life has for you, take a break. Take care of yourself. When you’re ready…

STEP 2: Forgiveness

Remind yourself:

I am Enough.
I am a human-in-progress.
As such, you will go through all the feelings of all the characters (because you are human)! The key is to just not stay stuck in the unhelpful ones. 🙂

STEP 3: Congratulate

Take 30 seconds, a couple deep breaths, and try and cultivate some feelings of Pride. Be proud of yourself (maybe give yourself a bear hug!) for taking time to listen to and

STEP 4: Identify

What character most resembles how you are feeling right now?

Eeyore frets. He assumes the worst and isolates himself. He keeps his head and expectations lower than low.

Piglet hesitates and, as a result, fears for the future. Even if that’s walking under a tree! He second-guesses himself. He leans on Winnie to be brave and to take action.

Owl Pontificates. He gathers much but does not act on it. He waits to see others to share his knowledge, whether he is invited or not.

Rabbit calculates. Man, I used to totally identify with this workaholic-plan-for-everything bunny. With so much going on in Rabbit’s brain, however, there’s no room to enjoy anything. And he often overthinks things and overcomplicates situations.

Tigger is like a lightening bolt. He has energy for everything, but he does not take a break to focus it. Or think about his future. Thus, he gets caught in trees and other sticky situations.

STEP 5: Be honest.

Journal or talk with a trusted friend about what inner character(s) could be getting in your way. Yes, you can have more than one. Process what character(s) you are resonating with. What thoughts have you had or actions are you taking that are….

Eeyore: Isolating you from taking care of yourself, seeing friends/family more often, or avoiding other responsibilities? Common symptoms of this are depression, hopelessness, I-give-up-ness, excessive-hermit-syndrome.
Piglet: Preventing you from taking steps forward towards your next goal or dream? A first date? Applying for that job? Common symptoms are worry/anxiety that keeps you from enjoying things you normally like to do (like sleeping or eating, or Pac Man). Or catching yourself saying “I’m afraid that…” or “I worry that…”
Owl: Amassing knowledge BUT not putting it into practice or using it to help others? Common symptoms are perfectionism, always trying to teach people things you know they don’t wanna hear, interrupting others to make sure they know the right answer, impostor syndrome.
Rabbit: Focusing your energies on the Doing and Planning instead of the Feeling and Enjoying of life? Common symptoms of this are being a woman, burnout, overwhelm, exhaustion, feeling like you have to be doing something or you feel guilty, always preparing for life but feeling like you’re missing it.
Tigger: Enjoying many things and pursuits, but not pausing to listen to yourself on what to focus on for the future or what feels right for you? Common symptoms of this are rollercoaster emotions, The No-Purpose-Zone, The Squirrel-Syndrome, and Exhaustion.

STEP 6: Calling in your Winnie

Now that you’ve brought the light of awareness to what might be keeping you from living a more joyful and authentic life, here are the next steps to Call in your Winnie based on how you answered the above.

For all characters:
1. Self-compassion: Make an effort to meet yourself every morning with this question: how can I take care of myself best today? And, NO excuses, follow through on what you need! You matter.
2. Claim your Freedom: Can you forgive and let go? Can you learn your lesson and then let it go? Can you be grateful for the opportunity and then let it go? If not, write out what is keeping you stuck and write out PROS and CONS of holding onto this (feeling/person/situation). Be sure you add in Personal Freedom into the PROS column.
Eeyore: Make time for play. Be brave and try something out of your comfort zone. Call a friend and hangout. Adopt a mantra like: I am worthy. I am loved.
Piglet: Make a plan. Write down your next important goal. Visualize yourself accomplishing that goal every day. Feel how you will feel when you get there. Find an accountability buddy. Then, take a baby step every day to get there. What is your first step? Adopt a mantra like: I am brave. I can do this.
Owl: Make a list of your knowledge, skills, and gifts. On the next page, write down ways that feel good to you to use those in the world. Then, do something! ALSO, try the Eeyore exercise. Adopt a mantra like: I use my gifts to help others. I am kind.
Rabbit: Build non-doing into your life. Take a walk, smell the hot chocolate, pet your dog. Meditate. Watch clouds. Enjoy being YOU. Practice Boundaries. Let go of the responsibilities that are the shoulds. Keep those that bring you joy. Ask for help. ALSO, try the Eeyore exercise. Adopt a mantra like: I am worthy because I am, or I treat myself as a friend.
Tigger: Build breathing room into your life. Look at your fun and goals and prioritize them. Can you focus on your top few goals and say NO to some others? Adopt a mantra like: I make a difference or I create balance in my life.

Once you take a few simple steps, you’ll soon be Calling in your Winnie! 🧸😌

SuperStep 3: Letting In

Because, honey, you ain’t gonna be honest with yourself until you stop believing the lies. And you definitely won’t put the whip down until you realize it’s in your hand.

Welcome to SuperStep 3: Letting In. The Third of Five SuperSteps in the Everyday Superhero Method! (Here are the the First SuperStep and the Second SuperStep.)

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Christmas, a four-letter word

December 2009

The sleigh bells jingled against the front door. They left. I couldn’t.

I lay in bed, unable to move. Sharp hammers of pain pierce through my eye socket. My body shivers cold, covered in blankets. A couple minutes prior, it was uncovered, covered in sweat. A couple minutes before, it was laying on the bathroom floor, gripping the toilet like a safety bar on a rollercoaster.

Migraine.

I get them about once a month. It’s been this way since I was a teen. Unfortunately, there are periods where I get them more often, like around Christmas. And as a mom.

I missed my kids’ preschool music party. Tears run down my cheeks. I let them down.

And I’m messing up my…

It’s-gonna-be-a-Perfect-Christmas List:

300-page annual Grandkid photo album? Check.
12 loaves of Cranberry Apple bread? Check.
Food and presents for six preschool parties? In progress.
Church Nativity Play. Ugh.
200 Candy cane reindeers? Well…I let my three-year-old help. Fixing cyclops reindeers soon.
All the usual decorating and shopping and baking and cleaning and wrapping and coffee and volunteering and crying in bathroom stalls…

My heart and head pound like the Kentucky Derby start line.

After two more trips to the bathroom, I am back in bed with a cold rag on my forehead. I close my eyes and picture my goal: January first.

I’m laying in a quiet winter woodland, with the snow blanketing my body in a soft sheet of glittery peace. I have nothing to do but breathe the cold, crisp air.

The Battle Begins

“Excuse me? I hate to interrupt, but you should use this extra time to make the Christmas cut out cookies!” Traditional Heidi jabs me with her pointed words. Who is Traditional Heidi? Lemme explain.

Imagine me with a miniature llama on each of my shoulders. The first is a miniature beige llama. She wears a 1950s housewife apron, has salon-perfect hair, and red glossy fingernails. She carries with her a dust mop, a well-behaved child on one hip, and to-do lists. This is Traditional Heidi. Traditional Heidi’s words layer on like thick frosting, with resentment and sarcasm. She likes waggling her finger at people and muttering things under her breath.

On my other shoulder stands a miniature rainbow-colored llama. She has long blonde dreads and a Holly Hobby patchwork skirt. She is Feminist Heidi. She comes with a bow and arrow, a couple of pom-poms, and a journal. Her eyes glow wild, confident, mischievous. She is herself unto no one. She gets enough sleep, and she is unafraid to speak her truth.

“You need to rest. This is your third holiday migraine…” Feminist Heidi warns.

“Your migraine is a PAIN, but you can operate a mixer. Your medicine only warns against heavy machinery,” Traditional Heidi puffs out her chest.

“But I don’t even LIKE cut out cookies,” Feminist Heidi whines.

“That’s no excuse. It’s not Christmas without them. Remember your childhood?” Traditional Heidi says while pinning on her Christmas brooch-of-the-day.

“Yes, it was a special time. You know what I liked most about Christmas growing up? Doing my homework behind the tree, surrounded by bubble lights and ornaments…” Feminist Heidi sighs, a broad smile spreading across her face, lost in her reverie…

Sharp as a needle, Traditional Heidi’s voice pricks the air.

“Focus, woman. You got perfect grades with that homework. Now, Perfect Christmas is up to you.”

I open my eyes and think of my It’s-Gonna-Be-A-Perfect-Christmas List. A little more rest, and I’ll get in the kitchen.

October First, three years later.

In the kitchen of my post-divorce duplex, I turn the page of my National Parks wall calendar. A picture of a buffalo on a snow-dusted prairie meets my gaze. My heart pounds and a knot forms in my lower back. Only three months until PAIN. Oh, sorry, I mean Christmas.

I sit down at the kitchen table. What am I going to do about Christmas? I work full time. My ex spews hate at me. My nannies are unreliable. I don’t even have extra money to overcompensate for less homemade stuff. I stare at the buffalo.

Treat yourself as a friend echos in my mind. In a friendly deep tone, like the calendar buffalo said it.

In reality, somebody said that in my Codependents Anonymous meeting this week. What does that mean? First, think about what you’re doing and saying to yourself. Second, step to the side of all that mind chatter and ask yourself “how would a friend respond to what I said?” Then do that. The goal is I learn to treat myself as a friend.

What would a friend say to my Christmas dilemma?

I have to do less so I don’t get migraines? Or I need to figure out how to not hate the last third of every year? Or that Perfect Christmas is a f*cking impossible goal, and she would hand me a drink?

Yep, you got it, sister, that friendly-Buffalo voice chimes back in in my head. Thanks, Mr. Buffalo. I’ll try to do something to not hate Christmas this year.

I get a sharpie and make a little word bubble on the calendar. I step back and look at Mr. Buffalo speaking his wisdom, “Treat yourself as a friend.” I smile a broad smile.

SuperStep 3: Letting In Quote

You can only open new doors after you decide to shut others. Because, honey, you ain’t gonna be honest with yourself until you stop believing the lies. And you definitely won’t put the whip down until you realize it’s in your hand.
Heidi Esther

The SoulJourner QUESTion

Listening, honesty, kindness, responsibility. Four of the pieces in SuperStep Three of the Everyday Superhero Method. For today, let’s focus on kindness.

SuperStep 3 Exercise: Treat Yourself as a Friend.

The next time you feel that inner struggle. That guilt. That tensing of your shoulders. That knot in your stomach. That “I have to” or “I should…” or “I can grit through this…” language come up. Stop.

Take a break. Breathe 4 deep breaths. Or take a quick walk.
Notice how you felt in your body before and after. When you feel a little looser, move onto the next step.
Write down what you feel you have to do on one side of the paper.
On the other side, write down what you will give up to do that thing. (For example: sleep/down time/dinner/your weekend)
Below those two answers, write down the answer to one of these questions: “How would my friend respond if I told them this dilemma? What would they say?” OR “What if my best friend told me this, what would I suggest they do?”

GOAL: Over time, Beautiful Soul, you will realize that YOU are worth feeling good. You are worth all the time you need to feel fabulous, even! If, for no one else, yourself. And that’s not selfish, it’s how you become the Superhero of your Everyday. Realizing that you f*cking matter. Even more than Christmas.

Before the Everyday Superhero Course and book come out, how can you work on SuperStep 3? Stories tagged with SuperStep 3 highlight a small piece of the Letting In method. Search for SuperStep 3 on the homepage!

Overview of the Everyday Superhero Method
SuperStep 1 of 5: Three Legs of Support
SuperStep 2 of 5: Waking Up & Letting Go 
SuperStep 3 of 5: Letting In
SuperStep 4 of 5: Moving Forward 
SuperStep 5 of 5: Getting Stronger