Welcome to SuperStep 4: Moving Forward. The Fourth of Five SuperSteps in the Everyday Superhero Method! (Here are the First SuperStep, the Second SuperStep, and the Third SuperStep)

April 2015, Champaign County Courthouse

I sat there in a small, windowless over-air conditioned conference room at a tiny round table. My body, shaking like a cold wet dog from both the temperature and my ex’s rage. The rage was worse. It also made me feel like I was locked in a car, choking on fumes. Nonetheless, I set my jaw and held my face closed. 

I inhale a deep breath, to try and exhale the shakes. I look straight into my ex’s flashing eyes and keep my hands planted on top of my manila folder. 

Two years before, in the middle of the night.

I darted up in my bed, clutching my new Winnie the Pooh blankie. “Oh God, Jonathan, you scared me.” I said, wiping my eyes. The streetlights’ orange glow outlined my little blondie in his favorite plaid pajamas, clutching his tattered blankie. 

“Mommy, I’m cold,” my-seven-year-old son said, like he had laryngitis, “and my throat hurts.”

“Lemme see your head, sweetheart,” I said, and helped him on the bed next to me. “Well, your hands are pretty cold and sweaty. I call that clammy.” I said and gave him a squeeze.

As my hand neared his forehead, something inside of me told me what’s wrong: strep throat. Earlier that week, I got an email from his school warning that it was going around. 

After taking his temperature, which was only slightly-elevated, and giving him some pain meds and juice, I laid back in bed. 

That’s when I noticed my new familiar friend: Dr. Dread. Like a cannonball in my stomach, Dr. Dread was never far behind any ailment or activity my kids wanted to participate in.

I stared at the orange glow on my ceiling, shadows of leaves and branches wavering in the night breeze. My mind was like the night wind, blowing around in the dark. Trying to blow away the impossibly heavy Dr. Dread.

Why Dr. Dread, you ask? 

In case you don’t know, in a joint-custody divorce, parents have to agree on everything. The big stuff, like schools, religion, and the parenting time-split. Down to the minute details of after school activities and if they get flu shots. Which also means if they go to the doctor. So, unless you plan on divorcing your best friend, I don’t recommend Joint Custody. 

Maybe I’m the issue? 

I would describe myself as a recovering helicopter parent. Yes, while I’m swaddling my kids with extra love and care during this divorce transition, I’m also letting them get some bumps and bruises. (Mostly by going to their Dad’s house and not getting enough sleep.) 

I would describe their Dad as someone who is angry. But Mr. Dread is not just because of the anger. It’s mostly because of his co-parenting. Every. Single. Opinion. he has seems to be made in spite of me rather than for the kids. I know I’m not supposed to take it personally. And keep the focus on the kids. Which is hard when someone you used to share a bed with is yelling at you in the face. *sigh* I even took a co-parenting class. Which actually made me less hopeful about my current situation. 

Anyway, I’ll have to call my ex tomorrow to see if I can get Jonathan to the doctor. 

Some new possibilities cross my mind… Maybe I could try reverse child psychology? You know, pretend I don’t care and that Jonathan needs to go to school. Or maybe I can forget to call my ex and keep my son at home. 

Some old familiar voices chime in… Why does he have to be like that? Why is this happening to me? How come we always have opposite opinions? How come I’m the one always compromising, and he’s the one pushing the envelope? All of my tiny seeds of hope, crushed and blown away in the breeze. And only Dr. Dread remains. 

I doze off and dream that I’m falling. I wake up with a start, at the crack of a grey dawn.

Two days later, I registered Jonathan with a temperature of 102.5 and get permission from his dad to take him out of school and to the doctor. My son had, you guessed it, strep throat. 

SuperStep 4 in the windowless board room

I take the packet of newly-copied papers from my lawyer and put them on top of my pile. 

What’s in my pile? Years of missed doctor visits. Belated replies to kids’ requests for activities. Rageful correspondence. No shows at performances. 

The top page has an official stamp from the Champaign County Courthouse. But three other words stand out on the page and let me know that my kids are going to be okay. Because I’m going to be okay. 

Sole Legal Custody

POEM: Boundaries, bitches

No one
has the right
to leave you
at bay. 

No one 
has the right
to beat you
any way.

No one 
has the right
to treat you
that way. 

And no one,
but you,
can learn 
to say

I Love 
myself,
Take Care
of myself.

I’m no 
longer
letting you
or me

or Shame

get in 
the way
of trusting
myself, today. 

The SoulJourner QUESTion

In SuperStep 3, you learn to live the main characteristics of honesty, responsibility, kindness, forgiveness, and uncompromising self care. You treat yourself as a friend. After that, you’re ready for SuperStep 4: Moving Forward. In the fourth SuperStep, you will be ready to trust yourself enough to courageously act on what you know to be true. 

In my divorce, it took me awhile to take responsibility for me and my kids’ welfare, and to also feel worthy enough to take care of myself. Once I did both of those, I could say that I was my own friend. I then was able to trust myself, gather the evidence, and move forward in my life. 

SuperStep 4 Exercise: Trust to Love

In SuperStep 3, you worked on becoming your own friend. Now, we’re going to build on your budding friendship with action. SuperStep 4 calls you to act on what you know is true for you. By acting on your truth, you develop one of the biggest characteristics in the Everyday Superhero Method: Self-Trust. 

Yep, you need Trust if you’re going to become more-than-just-friends with yourself. 😉 And Trust is a key ingredient in Love. In any relationship, including your own. 

The next time you feel triggered (like angry, resentful, trapped, scared, sad, anxious, etc.) write down the answers to the following questions.

First, take a break and take care of yourself. THEN answer to the best of your ability…

1. What is my head telling me to do?
2. What does my heart feel I need to do? 
3. What does my gut want me to do? 
4. What is the answer that came first for me (circle one) Head   Heart    Gut
5. Are there any of my core values that are being stepped on as I look through each of my responses? If so, write them down next to questions 1, 2, and 3.  
6. What is the answer that means that I will be taking care of my needs first and is still in alignment with my core values?

Overview of the Everyday Superhero Method
SuperStep 1: Three Legs of Support
SuperStep 2: Waking Up & Letting Go 
SuperStep 3: Letting In
SuperStep 4: Moving Forward 
SuperStep 5: Getting Stronger