Keywords: self-awareness, emotional intelligence self-awareness, the opposite of perfectionism, case study emotional intelligence
In the kitchen of my post-divorce duplex, I turn the page of my National Parks wall calendar. A picture of a buffalo on a snow-dusted prairie meets my gaze. My heart pounds and a knot forms in my lower back.
Only three months until migraine-season. Oh, sorry, I mean Christmas. Let me rephrase: Perfect Christmas.
“Ugggggh,” I audibly sigh.
I sit down at the kitchen table like an old lady. What am I going to do about Christmas? I want it to be PERFECT. I work full time. My ex spews hate at me. My nannies are unreliable. I don’t even have extra money to overcompensate for less homemade stuff. I’m exhausted.
I stare at the buffalo.
Okay, maybe this is an Emotional Intelligence Self-Awareness moment. I relax all the ways I imagine I’m making my veins popping out and breathe into the knot in my lower back.
Treat yourself as a friend echos in my mind. In a friendly deep tone, like the calendar buffalo said it.
In reality, somebody said that in a Codependents Anonymous meeting. What does that mean? First, think about what you’re doing and saying to yourself. Second, step to the side of all that mind chatter and ask yourself “how would a friend respond to what I said?” Then do that. The goal is to learn to treat myself as a friend.
What would a friend say to my Christmas dilemma?
I have to do less so I don’t get migraines? Or I need to figure out how to not hate the last third of every year? Or that Perfect Christmas is impossible, and she would hand me a drink? What is the Opposite of Perfectionism, anyway?
You can practice being your own friend, that friendly-Buffalo voice chimes back in in my head. Hmmm, practice. That’s an interesting word.
I get a sharpie and make a little word bubble on the calendar. I step back and look at Mr. Buffalo speaking his wisdom, “Practice Being my own friend.” I underline the word Practice and smile a broad smile. My inner perfectionist eases the knot in my back a little more. Maybe Practice has something to do with the opposite of perfectionism.
Over the next few Christmases, I Practice being my own friend around Christmas. Guess what happens?
- I have significantly reduced migraines
- I carve time for my own Christmas Celebrations -filled with silence, writing, and prayer instead of Go-Go-Go
- I prioritize connection and done over perfect. I experience the Opposite of Perfectionis!
The Opposite of Perfectionism
Judgement (read: Criticism, Perfectionism, Worry) is like a whip. We’re wired to conserve energy – so we avoid suffering, accept the whip, and unconsciously stay within learned thinking patterns. The result?
The whipping continues and we don’t suffer, because our brains are comfortable with it – and its wounds. We normalize our pain.
When we realize the whip is in our hand, we have a choice.
One sure-fire way to move past this is to adopt a fail-forward internal culture, or the culture of Practicing. It’s time we practice being our own friends first. This is the opposite of perfectionism.
Because, honestly, what’s the point of freedom if we’re jailed?
Heidi Esther
The Question
Your Emotional Intelligence Self-Awareness Builder: Next time you are in a critical, perfectionistic, or worry-spiral, pause and ask yourself these questions: “What am I practicing here? What might a good friend say if I told them my challenge?“
Below are two ways to help you build Practicing + a Fail-Forward Internal Culture.
Subscribe to my Linked In Vault below – growing every week – to get the following High-Res PDFs
The Fail Forward culture is under EQ – Teams and Support. Practice Shoes are under The inner Critic.
You too will soon be enjoying more Emotional Intelligence Self-Awareness and living the Opposite of Perfectionism!
