We’re knee-deep in the MomSanity Four Agreements Series! This month-long series shows how I try to adopt the Four Agreements. What are The Four Agreements? They are four simple, profound ways you can choose to walk in life that will transform it. Given to us by the wise Don Miguel Ruiz, the third agreement is: Don’t make assumptions
Agreement 1 / Agreement 2 / Agreement 3 / Agreement 4
Nothing like a 20th High School Reunion
I stood there, waiting to clean up, in my long dress and tired feet. Stacey, my fiancee, squeezed my hand. Mmm mmm mmm mmm by the Crash Test Dummies played in the background. A calming base to the noise of my high school classmates leaving the bar. Six months of planning, and all I got were a night-full of cold shoulders and looks at me and Stacey. Damned anti-gay conservative suburban classmates.
I sniffed up tears as I paid the bill. I did some quick math in my head, and the first smile of the night crept across my face. “Hey!” I exclaimed to the few who stayed after to clean up. “We raised almost fifteen hundred dollars towards our class gift!”
Now, you might have a question here. Don’t high school classes give gifts to their school at graduation? Yes, but…
Senior Year in High School
After four years of sweaty car washes, bake sales, hot dog stands, and prom, we had nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Every single extra penny vanished after prom. There were speculations and inquiries. But no one could figure out who stole the cash.
As four-time Class President, I took it as a personal responsibility to fundraise for a class gift. The money raised at our twentieth reunion was a great start, until…
20th Reunion Fallout
Stacey, now my wife, and I sat on the couch. I needed an answer to a question I’d avoided for four years.
“Stacey, I don’t want to do this anymore. I felt like the girl with the Scarlet Letter. Next year is the 25th. I don’t know what to do. And what about the gift?” I say, as deflated as a two-week-old balloon.
Stacey didn’t hesitate, “Can you give the planning to people who want to do it? You can still keep the fundraising.”
“Bingo! That’s it!” I kissed Stacey’s cheek and bounded away to find some planners.
Two years after the 25th reunion
I sat at my computer in disbelief, unraveling the numbers from Carl and Alex. They are two ex-boyfriends from high school who are now besties. With joy, they took on the 25th reunion. Carl is popular; Alex has a big-brained head like me. A balanced red-headed team.
The 25th reunion was an upscale-casual dinner, with about thirty classmates. It looked like a great time – from the pictures.
“What the fuck? Is my math correct?” Stacey nods yes. Carl and Alex went almost three thousand dollars in debt from the 25th. The heat rose in my cheeks. “Why would they not even tell me this when it happened – two years ago? And I had to do the math to figure it out. How can we fundraise for a class gift now?”
“So what?” Stacey interrupted my angry track. She continued as if a firm child demanding more cookies. “Heidi, why do you care so much?” The answer steamed out of me.
“I’m the class steward. I’m the person who is responsible to give a class gift and ensure we don’t mess up. I was too hands-off with the last reunion. Carl, Alex, and I need to apologize to our classmates. I’m gonna call them to get them to take responsibility.” Stacey laughed.
“I give that a zero-percent chance of success,” she said. I stuck my tongue out at her and left.
Dale to the Rescue
First, I consulted my How to Win Friends and Influence People notes. Implementing Dale Carnegie’s principles with my ex-husband worked. So, they might work here. My plan:
- Start with Gratitude and thank them for planning the reunion.
- Talk about my own Mistakes. I will take responsibility for not preventing the overrun.
- Give them a Fine Reputation to Live Up To and reiterate they are honest and responsible.
- Ask Questions. Ask them if they think our classmates would like to know what happened. How are we going to correct it and prevent it from happening again?
- Let them do a Great Deal of the Talking, and listen.
I felt nervous but prepared. This codependent-in-recovery was ready for an honest and direct conversation.
After thirty-two minutes on the phone, I hung up and went to debrief with Stacey in the kitchen.
“You were right.” I slump into a chair, as deflated as that ancient greek dude whose punishment was to roll a rock up a hill for eternity, to have it roll back down the hill, for eternity. I continue, “They aren’t going to say anything. Instead, they will upcharge reunion tickets until they are back even.” I continue. “What am I going to do about the class gift? I won’t be able to fundraise as much with the up-charge.” I shake my head.
Stacey put her spoon down. I could tell she was as tired of this conversation as a woman giving birth to her fifth child.
“When you graduated high school, did you sign a contract? One that lays out your class responsibilities, until you die?”
“Well, no.” My eyes lit up. “Oh, shit! The only things that keep me from quitting,” the wheels start to turn in my head, “…are me and my assumptions.”
Ready for More? Agreement 1 / Agreement 2 / Agreement 3 / Agreement 4
POEM: One Score and therefore years ago
I was in charge, therefore I have to be in charge Forever. The money was lost, therefore I need to find it, All of it. You’re my age, therefore you’re okay with my Gayness. You are willing, therefore you are experienced Event Planners. Dale Carnegie works for my ex-husband, therefore he will work for Ex-Boyfriends. I dated you, therefore you will Take Responsibility The same way as I do.
Mom-munity Builder
Don’t make assumptions. Seems simple, right? Just pay attention to your mind-chatter and you got this. However, this one is not that easy. We don’t normally name the assumption. It only comes out when you pause to ask yourself, “Why would I say/think that?” or “Why would I do that?”
After you ask yourself those questions, the responses can be multiple, like mine were. Soon, you notice that you are swimming in assumptions as you move through life and conversations. And that the amount of assumptions you make is more like the size of an ocean, not a bathtub.
To keep from creating more assumptions, you need to be honest and direct with people. To find out what ones you are already swimming in, you might want to play…
PROMPT: Name Your Assumptions Game! BENEFIT: Release unknown weights and bring more joy to your life! If something or someone is bothering you, you are ready to play. Here are the rules.
- Quiet Mind: Find a quiet place. Take a few deep breaths.
- Open Heart: Repeat this to yourself: I’m trying my best. I’m an everyday learner.
- Free Spirit: Pre-emptively forgive yourself and others. Yes, even if nothing is your fault. This is to free your spirit. Visualize yourself letting go of the conversation, that person, that outcome.
- The Answers: Ask yourself, with your open, forgiving, mind and spirit: “Why would I say/think that?” “Why would I do that?”
- If you get stuck: Try and talk it out with a friend. Or journal your responses. Or review AGREEMENT 1: Don’t Take Anything Personally. And then, AGREEMENT 2: Be Impeccable with your Word.
With love, light, and laughter,
Heidi Esther, your SoulSanity Bear
