Stories

(mom-guilt) Welcome in your new teacher, guilt

Guilt is an emotion. It’s neither good nor bad. In your body, feelings are chemical reactions that we’ve evolved to feel based on what we are thinking. 

YES! It’s our thoughts (we have 60,000-80,000 per day, fyi) that trigger our emotions, not what is happening. 

Here’s an example: 

Say you got married on a beach. It was picture-perfect, clear skies, turquoise water, a soft kiss of wind keeping all the bugs at bay. You embraced, toasted with your best man and maid of honor, spent your honeymoon there… 

When you thought of that beach, you’d be flooded with all the good feels, right? 

What if, on the same beach, you didn’t get married. What if, at this paradise point, you were playing in the water. You were pulled under by the undertow, and almost drowned? 

And, whenever you thought of that beach, or any beach, you’d be flooded with an entirely different set of feelings – fear, helplessness, exhaustion? 

Guilt is the same way.  Now we know that it’s our thoughts – that we don’t even notice – that trigger its unwelcome arrival. 

Here’s what you gotta do to replace those thoughts, and become guilt-free. 

READ ON TO Guilt-Busting 101 >

If you’re still reading this, try clapping your hands together 10 times. Each time you high-five yourself – or someone else – it releases a feel-good hormone called dopamine. Ahhh. Now, where were we?

(mom-guilt) Hi beautiful. Yes, Nothing’s wrong with you

Hey you! Woman who Takes Care of the World, Helper-Extraordinaire! First, and I want you to hear this CLEARLY! 

You’re not doing anything wrong when guilt strikes. It just feels like it. Here are some facts…

You are Loved. Creative. Hella-Resilient. Whole. As a human being, not as a human doing. How do I know? Because that’s how I felt once I got rid of all the gunk hanging in my way of seeing myself clearly. And I witness women all the time, remembering this truth. Knowing this.

Here’s some guilt facts that will appease your left brain, about that pesky guilt… 

So, you know what’s crazy about the kind of guilt that comes from wanting to make everyone happy and feeling that conflict, because you feel like doing something different?

Fact: in psychology, this feeling some people call it “mom-guilt” is actually not grounded in reality. It comes from your noggin. 

Say whaaaaa? 

Okay, so, say I robbed the chocolate bank, because I was desperate for 72% dark, and I couldn’t find it anywhere. When I got home and took a bite, it wouldn’t taste as smooth, bitter, and rich as normal. Why? Not because it wasn’t delish, but because it was laced with guilt. Moral Guilt. My internal standards of integrity would be going bonkers. Then, I’d likely bring the chocolate back, apologize, and serve my sentence in chocolate-making jail. 

But the guilt that we experience IS NOT the same as Mom Guilt. It’s called Moral Guilt.

Mom-Guilt doesn’t have anyone to apologize to. Why? Because on the outside, we’re doing all the things and taking care of all the things. Doing đź’Ż x 10! On the outside, it looks like we love people and they love us. We haven’t done anything wrong in the eyes of anyone else.

Mom-Guilt comes from how we’re talking to ourselves about what’s going on. 

PSST! Want something to do that reminds you of all the love you have to give? Hold your hands together. Why? One, it’s fun to see which fingers go first. Second, it will remind you that you, beautiful soul, are also your own best friend, and deserve love from yourself. Time to stop being your own mean girl. 

So, here’s the real down low  >

(mom-guilt) It’s hard to make everyone happy

And can you make everyone happy? Or, should you? Follow this series to freedom from everyone’s most-hated house-guest, guilt (or mom-guilt)

A quick story

I stared at my Christmas to do list in my minivan, my brow furrowed so strongly it could direct a current. I paid my sitter for four hours. How much can I get done in one afternoon? What’s the most efficient path? When will they start noticing that all the meals are only semi-homemade, or pick ups? Will all that sodium affect their blood pressure when they’re older?  

Then, it hit me. 

A visual distortion covering my left eye. Like looking through a kaleidoscope, but an evil kind. My stomach sank, like it got punched. Breathing went shallow. My heart started pounding. 

Another timer goes off in my head. I have 30 minutes to get home before it hit. 

A cold sweat covered my body as I drove as safely and fast as possible back home, with only half my normal vision. 

Nothing’s getting done. Things aren’t going to get done. 

The tension grew; I felt I’d been punched in the stomach a second time. 

I arrived home, thanked my neighbor for watching the kids and kept her there, drank so much water until I thought I’d puke, took my migraine meds that never worked, and settled in for 24 hours of non-productivity, saturated in an all-too-familiar feeling, 

Guilt.

That Feeling

Do you feel that – that striving to not disappoint anyone, and then WHAM, outta nowhere, you just can’t fulfill the obligation? And you feel just awful? Or you know that your time would be better spent (sleeping, self-care, whatever that means).

Or maybe you say yes, but you know you said it because (you are the friend who can be counted on, you want to be the good mom, the worthy daughter?) and part of you *knows* that you’re gonna pay the price in some way? Like get sick or stay up too late and mess the rest of your week? 

What can you do? How can you get rid of that nagging feeling? Or can you? 

Yes, you can! First, if you’re still here, take a deep breath in, and a deep breath out. Try doing this three times – with the exhale longer than the inhale. 

And guess what? Here’s something crazy-but-true about that guilt that we experience. 

Go here next >

You are Worthy of Joy ( Joy Challenge inside)

Yea, yea. Everyone and their mother are out there saying You are Worthy of Joy. You “get it” that you are a special unicorn, somewhere in there. Sometimes out there. But, do you feel it?

BUT, How can you always tap into feeling great about yourself and why does it matter? Join me to feel into Worthiness, the first step of the Goldfish Self-Leadership System. A System to get your Cape 🦸‍♀️ – a proven framework to go from from not thinking a lot about yourself, to loving then believing in yourself and saving your joyful day, every day.

can you feel the love (tonight)? Let’s do it!

Losing money, teeth + hope

What can you do when life hands you a snowball of challenges and all hope seems lost? Read the story or Click here to learn directly about which of the 5 Lies you might be living.

I sat at the kitchen table, staring at my screen in disbelief. My fingers froze above the keys. I couldn’t exhale.

3, 473

There were 3,473 transactions in my online store in three days. The first three days I took off in months.

I had my store set up to notify me of any transactions. Every one of them had slipped by like a swarm of bees, just waltzing in my front door.

I clicked in my store. Just over a hundred were successful. And they were all under the same name.

I pulled back from the table. Negative money thoughts swarming around in my head, stinging me. Money thoughts I’ve been working on for a couple of years now. To rid myself of a tsunami of unhelpful core beliefs I’ve ingested along my journey. About women and money. Creatives and money. Entrepreneurs and money.

I cried. And took deep belly breaths. Then walked. Looked at the tree tops to remind myself that the Universe is abundant even when the life stings. And then sat down with my top support member of my business – my unphased wife – and researched.

Card attacks. When online stores don’t have premium fraud protection tools set up, like Google’s recaptcha, they fall victim to people trying out stolen cards.*

One week later.

I sat next to my daughter, staring at my phone, wondering what was the best set up to take action shots of my son.

It’s his Senior Year. Captain of the Soccer Team. It’s the cross-town rivalry game. He’s gonna ask his girlfriend to Homecoming after the game – posterboard, flowers, and all. He just got his braces off. He’s sooo shiny.

The game stopped.

I looked up, wondering what’s going on. The group of alpha-soccer moms starts yelling at me, pointing to the field.

I look to see where my son is. He’s not laying dismembered on the field. Well, that’s good. I then see him, on his knees, next to his soccer bench, arms in the air.

“Hey Jonathan’s mom! I think your son just got his teeth knocked out!” yelled one.

I looked closer, and could see people looking at the field, like people would look for a lost earring. Wait. What? Did they say teeth – plural?

Six hours later, it is almost 1am. I open the front door for my codine-laden son. His two front teeth reinserted and stabilized with braces – again.

But we won’t know for weeks if he will keep them.

I don’t sleep, jolting into action every time I hear a noise.

I take off more work – to take care of my son, my sleep. My sanity.

One week later

I have upgraded the security in my online store. Refunded all but 17 transactions in my account. I will lose a few hundred dollars. Could have been financial ruin. I am abundantly grateful.

I worked through my grief and hopes over my son’s senior year. The image of myself that was entangled with it. Replaced it with looser and healthier thoughts. Kinda like getting rid of a tattoo and replacing it with a Post-It note.

My son is disappointed but not crushed. Or he’s repressing. Either way, I let him know I’m here for him when he gets sad.

I lean fully back into my work. Everything seems either pointless or infuriating. I’m not looking forward to my days; feeling my work doesn’t matter. I share my story; I connect; get amazing feedback. But noone is taking action.

I make myself take smaller steps, even though it feels I’m stuck in tar.

One week later

I am laying down on a cushioned massage table, in the center of a small room with dark wooden furniture. Rocking Chairs, end table, dresser, vanity. Kinda like if a collegiate art student was staying at Grandma’s house.

I am helping a new friend get her certification in Quantum Healing Hypnosis Therapy. Think energy healing meets past and future life visualizations.

Though I don’t know if it will help, I remain open and curious. I tell my wife all the time. “If you stomp into a forest yelling that there are no animals there, you will be proven right. But if you walk in quiet and listen, you don’t know what will happen.”

I learn I have some male Lion energy in me. I feel I have been displaced many times, and yet I thrive.

For some reason, this takes all the energy I have left. I am exhausted.

I give myself permission to sleep in; I sit under trees. I still get up to take tiny steps forward. Three days later, a large roar in my head wakes me up in the morning.

Enough is enough.

Resounds in my brain. A large flow of energy – anger – bubbles up from the inside, like I’m a volcano erupting.

Your Joyfully Ever After

I sit down with my morning coffee. I draw a circle on a piece of paper, and section it off in wedges. The circle in the middle is where I am at.

I separate myself from my situation, like I’m an observer.

I walk myself around to different perspectives of my situation. Every perspective has a title. “Puddle Momma” is one “Jealous Wife” is another. It’s a tool in Co-Active Coaching that I love. I call is Surveying. Embodying different perspectives of the same situation to process it.

I combine it with The Emotional Scale – an Emotional Intelligence tool – to rate the feeling where each title is at.

I go from Hopeless Puddle-Momma to Compassionate Co-pilot in one sitting. I pick an affirmation to embody the Co-Pilot. “I give myself grace.” I have agreed to lay down the Judgement and Listen like Switzerland to what is really going on.

I continue to stay open. Enjoy each day. My steps get lighter. I open myself to other healing tools – tapping, Gratitude, breathwork, friends.

I can feel the sun on my face again, no longer resentful for its heat.

The Lies

Just as I create joy amidst challenge, I walk alongside Women who Take Care of the World to empower them to find their authentic footing and create Their very own Joy – amidst the stress and struggle of modern day life.

If you are ready to ditch the crap feelings and create more joy – book a chat with me here.

Want a DIY solution? See the 5 LIES that might be keeping you from living your most joyful life – download the Lies + Truth here.

  • I don’t have books for sale any more on my website…AND you can still purchase it on Amazon!

You are a Rock Star. So, why don’t you feel it?

Read on for your rock star guide, beautiful!

I stared up at the stage, in awe, gratitude, and wonder. TV screens one hundred feet tall flanked the stage, creating live music videos of her performance, as she sang. She sang of jealousy. Of rage. Of abandonment. Of being an outsider. In between songs, she talked of motherhood and how people accuse her of having a secret penis.

At the end of two hours and over fifteen outfit changes, she sang while doing flips in a harness attached to a system that lifted her peter-pan style to the corners of a filled Major League baseball stadium. 🤯

P!nk.

During this performance, in over one hundred degree heat, I danced, massaged my sore legs, drank an inordinate amount of water, and basked in the glow of my wife, shining and radiant. However, If I’d gone to this experience just a few years ago, the key words would have been oppressive, loud, frustrated, painful, and tired.

But a lot has happened inside between then and now. Especially two key words. What are they? Well, answer coming…

So, we call famous people peculiar and eccentric. We think we’re sooooo different. But, maybe outside of the economics, we’re not. Maybe…

We are all weird and eccentric.

The difference? They have fully incorporated and radically accepted (<-THE ANSWER) their strange beautiful. Some people call it their shadow selves. No matter what it’s called, they bring these dark pieces of themselves into the light, for all to see. And we love them for it. Let me rephrase: our strange, sad, raging, queer, misunderstood, hidden peculiar parts feel not as alone. We feel more whole when we see the strangeness up there.

Seeing them gives us hope that we, too, aren’t broken. That we, too, have peculiar genius. That we, too, can love our whole selves into the light.

And the real magic?

These rock stars surround themselves with those who love and support their entire essence, too. They have turned their kryptonite into superpower. And have support doing it. Let me repeat that: The rock stars find people who don’t cut them down for being different. Who help lift them up because of it.

I stood there, closed my eyes, and soaked in the love. Over forty thousand humans, practicing radical love and acceptance and support of one another and the peculiar, eccentric rock star.

I felt kinship to everyone in the stadium, even the Rock Star. Not better, not worse, just awe and love. In my own way, I felt like my own kinda rock star.

And for you, dear beautiful, weird, in-progress, divine soul?

What about you? Do you wake up feeling like a rock star? If not, how are your dark pieces? Are you done with beating yourself up yet about what you need to improve or change? Are you ready to love yourself into the light, so you can enjoy your time on this spinning rock to the fullest? Are you ready to see what radical acceptance can do for you? Are you ready to clear away the busyness, turmoil, and pressures to make more room for Your Joyfully Ever After?

Seriously, what do you want your life to look like? To feel like? Do you have unconditional support + radical acceptance of all of you? Intuition? Resilience? Badass boundaries? Let’s chat to see if I am the right person to walk with you.

Go here to book a 30 min Joy Discovery chat with me. Sending love and hugs to all the magnificent rock star brilliance that you are.

with love, light, and flippin’ joyfully ever afters,

Heidi Esther

PS P!nk vid 👇

A Joyful Home in Unknown Territory

How can you refind your ground and joy when thrown into unknown territory?

My heart pounded louder and louder in my chest. I hunched over on the bed, a large friendship bracelet-in-progress pinned to a pillow, knotting and knotting like I was behind quota. Breathing in for four counts, holding for four, and out for eight. Letting the pause after the exhale settle into the stillness of a pond. When my heart didn’t settle, I turned my ears to the outside.

Read on, brave soul! : A Joyful Home in Unknown Territory

Two unfamiliar noises filtered in through the single window. The first sounded like rain on my window (my favorite!) but was the wind whipping through palm trees. Second, I heard bright, warbling chirps that reminded me I wasn’t in Kansas, er, Illinois.

Hawaii.

Why me? Why now? Why this?

I’m like a fish out of water. Complete Unknown Territory.

These questions shook the shoulders of my sleepy, family-vacation brain. One used to only coming up for air to hand out fresh Twizzlers, help everyone pack a lunch, and put dinner on the table.

It had been a landmark week. Snorkeling with turtles. Kid surfing lessons. Chocolate-covered Macademia nuts. AAA-mazing beach days. Connecting with my kids in the corners of the day.

Yet, sitting on the bed, weaving the bracelet, my heart pounded. I felt the worry lines dig further into my forehead crease. Why these questions?

The night before, my wife and I went to listen to a native Hawaiian storyteller. We learned of the parts the United States and native Hawaii both played in becoming a state. (Neither side of the story is flattering, fyi.) We learned of cultural erosion, the land abuse, and the mental and physical decline in the native Hawaiian community. My highly sensitive soul cried.

With this newborn awareness, I asked, “What can we do?”

And he said two words. Words that seemed like someone gave me a piece of tape to stop a dam from breaking.

“Practice Aloha,” he pleaded. “Use our words so they are not lost.”

Now, you might think Aloha is just hello, but it’s more.

It’s a warm welcome coupled with a recognition of seeing the spirit of another divine soul. Kinda like a combination of a “Howdy, neighbor!” and “namaste.”

A few days later, we came home. My heaviest souvenirs were grief and questions that I see no answer to. I felt as an alien from a different planet. My relationship to my life, our country, this land, my purpose had shifted. At first, I busied myself to avoid the discomfort. After a week or so, I stopped being a broken, sad, complaining record to my wife and faced it. Here’s one tool I used.

Not unlike how I found joy during the pandemic shutdown, I am working on my Self-Leadership skills of Support, Resilience, Emotional Intelligence, taking Responsibility and asserting boundaries. And now I can say that I accept myself, my path towards joy, and my lack of answers with comfortable ferocity. I am, finally, at home in Unknown Territory.

I am stronger and more steadfast in my love and joy because of the discomfort and unknown and am faithful that answers will come in their time.

And that is where I plan to make camp.

Join me?

The Soul-Journer Questions for Unknown Territory

Are you trying to figure out what’s next for you? Are you ready to get at Home in Unknown Territory so you can walk towards the life of your dreams – the life you deserve? Are you ready to lean in and say YES! to more Joy – on your own terms vs. taking care of everyone else and leaving your desires to gather dust in the corners? Then let’s have a heart-centered convo 👇 đź’•

Click HERE to book a power conversation to help you unearth your next steps.

Sending much love, light, and Aloha for your travels,

Heidi Esther

An Unlimited Permission Slip

What’s a permission slip and what can it do for your life? Anything you want or everything that’s , depending on who’s writing it.

“T-minus one hour, ladies!” a Cheer-Bear voice booms from behind my door. I look up and stare at a new version of me in a round bulb-encased mirror. I’m sixty minutes from sharing my truth with a thousand people. Almost nine hundred more than I’ve ever been in front of, if you’d like to know.

My brain starts chucking thoughts at me.

MAN! Why does the head always get in the way! read on, brave >
Verified by MonsterInsights