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It was the middle of the night. I shot up in bed. They are gonna sue me, I know it. I snatched my phone to investigate.

I moved like a sloth into my “stealthy-web-searching-at-night position”: I lay down on my side, away from my wife. My elbow propped up.

First, my hands grew cold. Then, my elbow started hurting. Then, piercing jabs reach my shoulder. I put down my phone, rubbed my eyes, and looked at the clock. OMG, it’s been 90 minutes. I have more than enough evidence.

My MomSanity logo is too close to a Care Bear. So, yes, the Care Bear police could take my site down. I need a new MomSanity Bear. I have it on EVERYTHING. Well, at least it’s not on anything that’s for sale. Then I’d be in real trouble.

Two sleep stories and a 45-minute nap later, I throw on my oversized pink robe and shuffle to the kitchen. Definitely half-caff today. Stacey looks up at me from the couch. She has her reading glasses on, laptop in, well, her lap. Her frown causes my stomach to tighten. What now?

Stacey: Sweetheart, you didn’t get paid. Your unemployment.

Me: I’m sure it was because of the holiday.

Stacey: Let’s check your payment gateway. To be sure.

We check; no payment pending.

My conversation, with me

As I stood in the kitchen, waiting for my water to heat up, in came two visitors:

• Urchin-Judgy-Pants Llama. She’s like a llama with a studded collar and pleated mom- Capri khakis that show the mom-pudge.
• Pegasus-Rainbow-Unillama. She’s like a rainbow-colored llama with wings, and a horn filled with magical grace powers.

Each of them takes a shoulder. The internal battle begins.

Judgy-Pants: And you’re worried about a freakin logo? Better make it full-caff coffee today, honey.

Rainbow: Full-caff means migraines for Heidi. No thank you. ANYWAY…

Judgy-Pants: So, yea, what have you been doing with your pandemic life? Nothing. That’s right. No income = nothing.

Rainbow: That’s a bunch of bologna! Heidi is sharing her MomSanity light. She has stories and is even revising her B-O-O-K.

Judgy-Pants (snorting): Yea, she’s doing that instead of feeding her family. It’s time to stop the MomSanity and one-hundred percent focus on finding a job.

Rainbow: Then Heidi will die inside. I think we’ve both been enjoying the lack of sad-and-sloggy-llama around here…

Judgy-Pants: True. Sad-and-sloggy-llama dragged her feet to see FRIENDS, of all people! Even I like friends.

Rainbow: So, maybe, there’s a middle ground like job looking and writing. Like what we have done for most of the pandemic?

Judgy-Pants: It won’t matter anyway. You know you are SO gonna get busted by the unemployment police!

Stacey starts talking and whips me out of my head. Looks like I’m going to have to call to move over to the new Federal plan. And it could take weeks to fix…

Over the next 2 days…

My head goes quiet. I do not receive a callback. I can feel Judgy-Pants collecting not-nice things to say. I reorganize all my files. Two new jobs get posted in my field. Stacey redraws my logo and I change all of my materials. Despite my busyness, a knot grows in my lower back and my jaw is sore.

Finally, someone talks. I brace myself.

Rainbow: How about we practice some gratitude for these two wake-up calls? By the time unemployment people call back, you could have a new logo, a new job, AND a book published!

Judgy-Pants (eye roll): You know, sometimes you are insufferable.

I sat down and wrote gratitude for the lessons I learned. Later that day, I noticed some things…

• I kept rubbing the large crease between my eyebrows, my worry line. Yes, I have this theory, if I keep rubbing it, it will go away…
• When reaching to put my hoodie-of-the-day away, the knot in my back wrenched.
• Crunching on my salad at dinner, my jaw hurt like I’d been eating carrots all day. I am still clenching.

What’s going on? Why don’t I feel better? Sitting on my porch swing after dinner, I opened a book I’ve been reading. The title on the page: The Most Important Person to Forgive. BINGO! I opened my journal and wrote:

• I forgive myself for not realizing any sooner about my logo.
• I forgive myself for putting some of my unemployment responsibilities on hold.
• I try my best every day.
• I am lovable, loving, and loved.
• I am an unemployed-mamma-writer-in-progress.

I am, finally, free.

POEM: The Freedom Shower

 The Gates to Freedom
    have five locks.
 “Freedom,”
      you say.
 “Impossible!”
      You protest.

 Back up, 
   dear one. 
 What is 
     Freedom, anyway? 

Lots call it 
     Happiness.
 Others,
     Success. 
 Some believe 
     it's Peace. 
 
Whatever you 
    call it, 
 here’s how 
    to get to 
  A life, free
 of Emotional
   Compromise. 
 
Welcome to 
   The Freedom Shower. 

(please see below!) 

Mom-munity Builder

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