“It’s just a little ouchie, sweetheart,” I said.
My next few days were filled with tepid coffee, lots of painkillers, and repeated calls to my dentist. I had to wait two weeks to get my tooth fixed.
In the meantime, I tired of tepid coffee and went through full caffeine withdrawal.
The morning after my tooth was fixed, I stood in the kitchen, staring at my coffee pot like it was my savior and my arch-nemesis. I felt it staring back at me.
I felt lighter. Free. Like my body had broken loose from an invisible leash (hello, chemical addiction), and I didn’t want to be back on it.
But I loooove coffee, a part of me chimed in. Instantly, my vision filled with a steaming cup of coffee, my journal, and the first quiet of the morning. I started getting the coffee out.
A smaller voice suggested, How about decaf?
I stopped, holding the coffee can mid-air.
The coffee-loving voice replied with conviction: Decaf is for old people, pointless, and doesn’t taste as good. I put the canister on the counter.
Eerily, this voice sounded a lot like my mother’s.
The smaller voice tried again: How about half-caff?
And I put the coffee can back in the cabinet.
It took a few months of experimenting, but I found non–body-addicted morning delight in half-caffeinated coffee from an old-fashioned stovetop percolator.
The real bonus? With no other large shifts in my diet or routine, I noticed my migraine frequency went down from about once a month to once a year. Lo and behold, the extra hydration from decaf coffee saved me many, many headaches.
In the Coaching Session: When You’re Stuck or Hesitant or want to give up a Habit
What had changed?
My identity.
I was not ready to accept drinking decaf—even to relieve my body of chemical addiction—because of the identity I attached to it (or rather, the learned image associated with being a “decaf drinker,” which also included going to Perkins for 4pm dinner specials).
READ: I was not ready to quit my Regular Coffee Drinker identity and replace it with a Decaf Drinker identity.
However, I was ready to accept this identity:
I am the type of person who can drink healthier, still delicious, coffee.
What Atomic Habits Teaches about Identity and Change: James Clear explains that habits stick when they align with identity. Instead of forcing behavior, focus on becoming the type of person who naturally lives the habit. A person with a bigger focus (think: “Healthier” not “no brownies”) This shift turns “know better do better” from pressure into resilient progress into sustainable habits.
How A Flexible Identity Supports Sustainable Habits
And ten years later, I’ve continued to pivot towards healthier coffee. I reduced the caffeine even further. Tried different coffee machines. And removed the sugar. And the creamer.
So instead of holding a rigid identity around coffee (I like my sugar with coffee and cream — points if you know the reference), I adopted a flexible identity that allows me to continue to try, fail, experiment, and evolve over time.
This is one of the most powerful themes echoed throughout quotes from Atomic Habits by James Clear. One of the most well-known Atomic Habits quotes puts it this way:
“True behavior change is identity change. You might start a habit because of motivation, but the only reason you’ll stick with one is that it becomes part of your identity.” — James Clear
What we get stuck to is not the habit itself — it’s the identity underneath it. Identity is one of the hardest things to let go of when we’re trying to change.
Another of my favorite Atomic Habits quotes reminds us:
“Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become.” — James Clear
This is a good habits quote not because it’s catchy, but because it’s honest. Habits don’t change because we “know better.” They change when our identity gives us permission to act differently.
And yet — knowing better doesn’t always mean doing better. As the saying goes: know better do better — but only when your identity is flexible enough to support the continued do-ing.
2 Steps to build Flexible, Sustainable Habits
Next time you’re stuck trying to start (or stop) a habit, ask yourself:
- What habit do I want — and why do I really want it?
What kind of person am I becoming through this habit? - What identity statement am I attaching to it?
Is it rigid or flexible? Is there room for me to fail and try different?
Rigid: I run in the mornings so I can be fit.
Flexible: I am learning to move in ways that support my body and bring me joy.
Decide the type of person you want to be.
Prove it to yourself with pivots and pivots and small wins.
That’s not just habit change — that’s identity change – that’s you Evolving to the Healthiest, Happiest, and most Effective person you can be.
When you’re stuck: Next Steps to help you know better do better
So, you might be thinking that there’s something else keeping you from becoming the person who does those healthy habits? I hear ya. Life’s a lot. Here are a couple of choices for you.
- Burnout. You might not have any current bandwidth for trying new things. Try this article (with small downloadable workbook) to identify how to recover some of your energy.
- Schedule a Clarity Call with me so I can help you identify what will help you – Now.
