(Unlikely Discrimination Series 1 of 2. Second story coming July 7) Click Here to Listen to this episode!
“Good morning, Deb. Good morning, Karen. Mornin’ Becky,” my boss says as he racewalks to his office. Various polite versions of Good Morning are said in exchange. He glances at me without saying a word, clutching his coffee. He stops next to my desk, turns his gaze, and peeks into the next office.
“Good morning, Liz, Michelle,” he says, nodding. He stands there, with his back to my desk, talking about the weather and finances. After a minute, he walks to his office and shuts the door. My face flushes hot.
Let me tell you, there are seven of us working in a space like sardines. So, there is nowhere to hide my embarrassment.
Oh, sorry. Let me get you up to speed. I work at a local country club. As the Membership and Marketing Director. Yep, I am the public face of this ole’ social-golfing institution. As I love meeting new people and am good at connecting them with missions, I’m a perfect fit. Or, I thought I was.
When I joined the staff two years ago, I had a husband and two kids. I lived in a large house with an attached garage in the suburbs of this small, midwestern town. My life was perfect on the outside. The American Dream.
Today is day twenty-three. Twenty-three straight days at work, my boss has not talked to me. Narry an email or casual good morning conversation to be had. He nods yes or no if I ask him questions. He makes calls when I approach him. He works with his door shut the majority of the time.
I bet you’re wondering if I screwed up at my job? Nope.
What else could it be? About a year ago, I got a divorce. And gone went my hubbie and American Dreamhouse. Then, my boss was still talking to me. Actually, more so. So that’s not it.
So, I recently discovered I’m a lesbian woman. I also know that the country club isn’t the most progressive place. You might be wondering if I cut off my hair and got tattoos and burned all my bras? Yea, I wish underwire was a thing of the past. But, nope, I’m still wearing dresses, Spanx, and sacrificing the comfort of my feet daily to help the mission. Yes, I’m trying to do my best – so I can keep up the good job.
Why do I care, you might ask? I discovered that my fellow humans need this kind of social support. There is as much love and connectedness at the country club as around my Goodwill-furniture living room.
But, to be honest, I was having a hard time with the real me staying locked in a drawer all day.
So, I came out to a couple friends in the office. And, you guessed it, I am sure someone told my boss. I don’t know why, but it’s done. Every day I walk into work, I am ready for it to be the last. He’s waiting for me to slip up, like a bear salivating, waiting for the salmon run.
I look at my boss’s door. My heart catches in my throat. Tears well in my eyes. I turn my chair to face my computer, rest my shaky hands on my keyboard. My coworkers grow quiet, preoccupying themselves.
My brow furrows, and my lips purse, as if to keep back the questions from entering my head. My unforgiving mind wins for the twenty-third day in a row and hammers the following into my heart…
Am I a failure? Am I broken? Am I wrong?
And then, the nail in the coffin.
I’m never going to be able to accomplish anything with my life if I suck so much.
Stay tuned on July 7th for the exciting conclusion!
POEM: Discriminating Me
We, beings of feeling and light, all flesh, Universe, and bone, can set ourselves forward, or choke us in the past, with a single word. Especially, our own.
The SoulJourner QUESTion
From a book that I’m reading, called Becoming Supernatural. It attempts to bridge the divide between scientific and mystic.
Our feelings are all tied to memory. For better or worse.
For example, when you start to feel angry, your body brings up all those old angry memory files. And that makes you even angrier. And then you might overreact. Like yelling at your dog for not pooping fast enough at 3 am when they are sick. Yea, that was me. That’s the worst part of feelings. They can trap you into loops. And, if you’re not aware, everything in your life will trigger past feelings. And then you are living in the past. Certain people, places, and things trigger negative emotions. Over and over.
The QUESTion: Over the next week, can you identify at least one person, place, or thing in your life that is catching you in a negative past feeling loop? I’d love to hear about what you discover. Either leave a comment below or email me at Ho***@he*********.com !
