It’s been two-and-a-half years since our lives changed.

August 2018

Two chestnut-brown eyes gaze into mine. Inches from my face, my heart pounding. My hands, sweaty. Could she be the one? Though I’ve just met her, my heart is swollen with love. In a place I didn’t know was empty; discarded. She is my missing piece.  

Geeze, Heidi. Get it together. You are a recovering codependent, remember? You create your own safety in your life. You take your time and contemplate your motivations before making decisions. You are complete without anyone else.

I look at the quiet, soft face, inches from mine. I don’t know if that’s true anymore. 

Stacey: So, what do you think about Lauren? 

I am in awe of the amount of love I have for this creation.  

Me: Well, she is a little shy and underweight, but has so much love. What do you think, Stacey? Are you willing to welcome her into our little partnership? 

And, before Stacey could say anything, this blonde sprite stands up and kisses me – right in the mouth! I pull back and cover my mouth. Woah. That was a bit forward. What can I say? Umm….

Lauren turns around and waddles her way over to Stacey. And then collapses into a belly flop, right in front of her. 

Me: Well, little lady. That kiss was a little premature. And your name needs to change. But, I think she’s a keeper!

We both look at this long, heavy-as-a-flour-bag, part Weiner, part-Chihuahua creation. I mean dog. (A Chiweenie.) Her legs are so short, she would drown in a shower. She stares at Stacey, then stretches and pushes her chest up in the air.

Stacey: Okay, Lauren, I hear you. I’ll pet your belly. I think she’s great.

Laying upside down, her floppy ears make her look like a fox. Her short little nose and eyes give her Beanie Boo potential. What a little bundle of sweetness.

March 2021

So, what changed? Well, I’ll tell you what: EVERYTHING. Here’s a summary:

	Elvis Only (PRE August 2018)	PRESENT: Elvis and Olive
When Kids are at Dads	“Is Elvis still here, or did he leave for the weekend too?”	“What are we gonna do with our little sweetness this weekend?”
When We go to Bed	Elvis goes in his crate.	“I think we should cuddle with Olive on our bed a little bit before we tuck her in.”
When the dogs have gook in their eyes	“Stacey, Elvis has something gross going on, can you come and get it?”	“Here, Olive, let me make you the pretty girl that you are.” (rubbing my hand on her face, and then on my pant leg)
Bathroom time	“Stacey, I can’t, for the life of me understand how you pick up dog poop.”	“Wow, Olive, that was a runny one. Better out than in. Maybe no veggies with dinner for you, today.”
Dressing time	“Why do you have so many shirts for Elvis? Isn’t one enough?”	“Let’s step into your closet, Olive, and see what we’re gonna wear today. What is going to bring out your pretty chestnut eyes?”
Dog-walk time	“Stacey, I feel like God has granted us this time in nature together to enjoy our relationship like we don’t have kids.”	Spent first 4 months taking Olive on two walks a day to get her to go #2. Now, with a fanny pack full of poop bags and treats to distract her from being impolite to other dogs and babies, I never remember where I walk anymore.
Stacey Couch-Reading Time	“Where did Elvis go?”	There are two dogs on Stacey’s lap. Thank god for jealousy, or we’d never get to sit with Elvis.
Heidi Nap Time	Dog-forbidden	Dog-optional – to –  dog-encouraged
Jonathan	“What dog?”	We have at least 4 more sightings a day of Jonathan, as he comes in to scoop up, smell, and cuddle with Olive in-between virtual classes.
Kisses	Never given, never received.	Encouraged, as long as it’s not right on the mouth.
Date Nights	“Stacey, I feel like God has granted us this time to nurture a real relationship like we don’t have kids.”	We spend ½ our date nights with dog beds on the sides of our beds because someone had a bad dream. We spend another ¼ making anti-anxiety treats for the dogs for when we try and close a door. We spend the last ¼ eating take-out and falling asleep on the couch.
Barbara	“Elvis hates me, can I have a hamster?” (Also known as Barbara moves too fast for Elvis. And Elvis doesn’t like people putting their hands around his giraffe-like neck.)	“I can now look forward to going to both Dad’s house and your house because there are cute dogs there.”
TV Time	“Stacey, can you tuck Elvis into his bed?”	“I think we should get the sectional, because then we’ll have room for both dogs on the couch.”
Dinner Time	“Stacey, can you cover Elvis’ head? He’s staring at me.”	My family, to me: “Mom, picking up Olive at the dinner table is a bad habit.”Me (putting a fork and knife in her front paws): “But doesn’t she look so cute?”
Stacey	To Elvis: “Who’s my favorite man? Who’s the most handsome man? Who wants to go on a walk?”	Same, except OLIVE would beg to differ.
Drinks	I only know Elvis drinks water because he is not dead.	“Olive looks a little thirsty, maybe I’ll go get her a cup of water.” UPDATE: she takes her cup of water now with ice.
Why?	“Stacey, I can’t understand what you see in Elvis.”	“You know, Stacey, now that I’m a dog-and-people person, I think another word for dog is love.”

• 

• 

POEM: heart’s memory

To sit with toddler hearts,
don your cape, pre-soothe their pain,

sticky-handed lessons,
not a minute spent in vain.

You blink, and they roll their eyes, 
grow wings to fly the roost,

your heart slowly healing 
through time's unfair boost.

Now you try and find yourself, 
untwine the tangled line,

maybe that's the point:
to find your own divine. 

But wait! Before you dive,
there are greater lessons still

a fluffy little heart, manifest of God,
a blessed remembrance of toddler love's thrill.  

Mom-munity Builder

Can I be honest? I don’t remember my kids when they were babies. I was tired. I constantly felt like I was doing *something* wrong. I asked everyone else how to parent. Which made for one comparison-driven, shame-filled mom.

And what I miss most is not remembering how it felt to hold my babies. Being with them. Now, when I slouch on the couch with Olive laying on me, I feel her soft warmth. Her heart. Her unconditional love. I know that’s a daily blessing God sends me.

So, my dear friend, the lesson? When you listen too much to others, and when you compare your soul to theirs, you miss life. And Love.

PROMPT: Practice catching yourself when you “should” yourself this week. (Yes, that’s hard!) Next, can you listen past the bad feelings to ask yourself and accept what you need? Even if that’s to cuddle with your dog or eat the second tamale?