Dear Santa: No more People Pleasing

PICTURE: A people pleasing mommy with two toddlers in the suburbs of Anywhere, America. The first week of December.

The sleigh bells slam against the front door. My kids left. I couldn’t.  

Read more: Dear Santa: No more People Pleasing

But the train in my head is going full-tilt, even though I can’t move in bed.  

I hate cut out cookies. But it’s just not Christmas without them. They take so much time! And the kids will want to decorate. Which will mean I need to buy twice as many sprinkles and allot twice as much time. Then there’s the Friday Funsters and the Wee Love Music holiday celebrations. Which reminds me I need to hem Jonathan’s new corduroy pants. I knew I would be able to lose you completely, sewing machine! When are they having the holiday potluck at church? I need to figure out how to bring something gluten free, because like half the people there are GF. I don’t even know what kind of grains people grind into flour to make GF anything. Are chips and salsa gluten free? That’s so not festive. Maybe I can find red and green chips! Are people allergic to Red no. 5? Is that a thing? Why does my mom group have a cookie exchange? How come we can’t have an alcohol exchange or maybe a group nap? At least a group hug. That would be the best. What mom needs more cookies? You know what we need? 

Before my brain continues, sharp hammers of pain pierce my eye socket, silencing all within. Like seven evil dwarves are taking turns with their picks. I push away a discarded cold rag. My body shivers cold, covered in blankets. A couple minutes prior, it was uncovered, covered in sweat. A couple minutes before that, it was laying on the bathroom floor, gripping the toilet like a safety bar on a rollercoaster. 

Migraines. I get them all the time. Especially around the C-word. Oh, sorry. I mean Christmas. 

This is my third in as many weeks. You’d think I might have brain cancer? I did, too. But, I got my head examined awhile back. All my lobes and nodes are normal, at least according to the doctors.  

But migraines aren’t the worst and weirdest thing going on with me. 

The weird thing is I don’t necessarily feel bad for missing the party. Since becoming a mom, I consider migraines my vacation days. I don’t mind one whole painful day in bed. It’s not like I invite the migraines in or anything. But people don’t ask for help from someone with a migraine. It feels like a vacation, without the vacation part.

After two rounds in the bathroom and a few hours’ nap and meds that never work, I wake up with an image in my head to accompany the seven evil dwarves. 

All I see is my mom. 

She is younger than me – or at least she hides it better than I do. Fully dressed in a homemade elf outfit – green tunic with squiggly edging, red tights. Pointy green felt hat, complete with one tiny, shiny golden bell angled perfectly at the tip. Her hand, casually placed on her slender waist. Red lipstick, Farrah-Fawcett-blonde hair. Room-mom extraordinaire. 

The worst is feeling my mom would have sucked it up and gone to the holiday party with my kids. And I couldn’t. I feel like I’m not getting it done, no matter how much I do. 

The train in my brain starts chugging… 

Oh God, is my husband’s holiday party this weekend? I need to drop off his suit at the cleaners. Oh shit. None of my pre-child dress clothes fit any more. And I need to stop biting my cuticles or I won’t have anything to paint. I wonder if we have any goldfish left at home. Or maybe a stray jar of baby wieners – the kids totally love them and will be fine in the stroller while I’m at the mall. Such a great source of protein! I’m only ½ way done with my 200-page extended family Shutterfly album. People are counting on me. I wonder where I placed my basket of cyclops-reindeers that my son made that I have to fix?

The pain worsens;  I make my way to the bathroom like a blind woman to get a cold washcloth and have a moment with the toilet. I try and erase the perfect-mom-at-Christmas picture that I am not, so I can enjoy the rest of my migraine-a-cation. 

I shortly pass out, dreaming of cold, quiet walks in the January sun, staring at a sky empty of to do lists. 

Signed, Recovering in People-Pleasing Land

A decade later, my Christmas’ seasons now are full of unbusy. My nights are spent walking to see lights or cuddled on the couch with a heartwarming movie. Gifts for my family are handwritten notes in the tree. Sometimes I make my friends friendship bracelets. Instead of the gifts and migraines, I write bad poetry to God snuggled in a blanket under my Christmas Tree. And I remember to sleep and eat. If I make cookies, it’s one type we all agree on and I find a cookie exchange to get some others. I notice when I’m stoking the coals in the People-Pleasing Christmas Train and hop off to enjoy my Christmas.

Here are the first two steps to enjoy all of your life as a People Pleaser in Recovery.

People Pleasing in Recovery

Sometimes we think we are helping when what is really happening we really are hurting ourselves, not letting life lessons happen to other people. And here’s the hard cookie to swallow, we are actually trying to control others and situations. I know, it sounds weird that helping others can be a form of controlling.  No judgy pants here. I want to share how I used to help with ferocity and end up still on the controlling end of the stick:

Example: I used to clean and pre-feed my toddlers before their dad came home from work. And I would have dinner on the table as soon as he came home. All good signs of being a good wife and mommy, right? In reality, I had no idea I made all those decisions to minimize the whininess and crankiness of the kids and the potential anger of my husband. I was trying to control their behavior. Yes. A LOT of time we try and help. And we ALWAYS mean well. (Because we’re awesome and efficient helpers, hollah!) AND sometimes we have been socialized to try to control others’ reactions to us through this form of helping. How can you tell if you’re a people pleaser or not? There are two main tools, or filters, you can look through to see what’s going on with you.

But first, People Pleasing is not a death sentence. It’s just a way we have behaved in the past because that’s what we learned to keep us safe and secure. If you have some people pleasing inside of you, be gentle. You are not broken. You just need new tools!

1. Worth: Do you think it’s no big deal to put your needs last, behind other peoples’? Is it easier to think of the many ways your friends and family are awesome but you can’t think of much when that question is about you? These could be signs you judge people as better or worse than you, and you may have low self-worth. Learn to see yourself as equal to everyone. Practice taking time for self-care, even if you think it’s dumb. Learn about Boundaries. Say NO to say YES to Y-O-U! Remember, you are a human, not a doormat. No one gets to wipe their shoes on you, and you don’t get to wipe your shoes on others. Last, take time to learn what YOU really like, outside of what you do for others, so you see that shininess and gratitude for yourself as a human being, not a human doing. So you rely less and less on what people think of you and feel happier in your own skin, even if you aren’t doing anything! 
2. Motives: Here is a filter that really helps me see when I step in the People-Pleasing zone. For everything you do, pause and reflect on why you are helping. Do you have unstated expectations of others’ reactions or reciprocation for your help? (Take, for example: You think they better come to my fundraiser and be happy because I made them that really nice meal when they all had Covid) Giving gifts with strings attached is a signal that you are doing for others with unstated expectations. Start asking yourself “Why” for everything you do. Why are you a volunteer in your kids’ classroom? Why do you always do everyone’s laundry, even though they can do it themselves? What are you expecting in return? If you want equality in the household and in life, get things out in the open. Have the tough convos. Check out the Fair Play deck to make sure you don’t feel like a doormat and are not expecting others to send you origami thank you notes. Make sure everything you do doesn’t have invisible strings attached. 

Recovering from people pleasing is a journey, not a destination. With an increase in self-awareness about who you are and why you are helping, you will be well on the road to loving yourself and building happier relationships. 

If you want to work on finding more peace and happiness in your life and step away from the People Pleasing for good, here are 5 steps you can take to get there.