So, I didn’t know I was IN a closet…

Playdate Gone South

She slammed a door in my face! 

Mary, my best friend. 

I just couldn’t believe it – I froze.  I don’t know if the source of our toddlers’ fight was my son or her daughter. Whatever. That was bullshit. 

For the record, no friend has ever slammed a door in my face. 

I took a step back and helped my kids get their coats on. It was a quiet minivan ride home. 

I sat on my bed. Alone. And crying. Thick, wailing-in-the-pillow cries. Kleenex surrounds me like a graveyard of disfigured smurf hats. Why am I crying?? My family doesn’t cry.  Unless someone is dead. None of this makes any sense. 

Lemme back up for a minute. Before Mary, 2 years of stay-at-home mommyhood under my belt gave me:

1. A permanent ponytail indent, 
2. Eyes with their first (wrinkles??) I’m barely over 30, c’mon! 
3. Husband realm deteriorating fast. He and I tried help, but nothing’s working. 
4. My best friends = no one?

Until Mary. 

Mary has helped immensely in all of the above categories. Maybe I am relying on her too much.  Or am I sad over the threat to the best playdates in the world? 

What are the best playdates in the world, you ask? The secret ingredients are: 

1. Four toddlers who get along (Odds 1:10,000 – at least)
2. Toddlers who don’t ask for help (which means we don’t have to follow around and give them new activities every 5 minutes)
3. WINE! Yes, wine is such a great compliment to playdates, along with, 
4. Delicious salads! Feta! Dandelion greens! Walnuts! Ahhh, there’s something so magical about not eating the cold leftover chicken nuggets, dried-out carrot sticks, and sticky mac ‘n cheese… 

Maybe all of that helps carve space. Mary listens to my marriage woes. She helps me find ways to fix it. (UPDATE: lingerie doesn’t work.) And she always has a Stella in her fridge ready for me.  

And now, because of the confidence I have from Mary, I found another friend, John. 

The phone rings. 

My heart sinks a little. It’s not Mary. It’s my other friend, John. He’s older and wise. He’s gentle, kind, and a good listener. I get him up to speed. 

John: Heidi, you’re upset because you like her. 

Me: Of course I do, she’s my best friend!

John: No, Heidi, you really like her. 

Me: I KNOW. She actually gets me. 

John: No, Heidi, you actually like her. 

Me: Yes, I’m not going to pay $25 for two Panera Salads for lunch for someone I don’t like! That’s rediculous!

John: You like Mary, Heidi, like you might be gay. Like you want to date her. 

Me: Silence

Me: Oh, Wow. Yea, I never thought about it that way. Um, let’s talk tomorrow, ok? I gotta go. And, hey –  thanks. 

John: Heidi, it’s – you’re – gonna be okay.

(I hung up.) 

I lay fully, quietly, numbly, on the bed. The bed I have shared with my husband for the past 12 years.  In skin – that now feels alien – I’ve had for 34 years. I felt the tears coming.

And I knew he was right.

POEM: Crossroads

I sit here, cryin’
 in this Walmart parking lot,
 
Aching
 ashamed to look back, 
 34 Barbie years. 
 
Gripping
 terrified of losing tether to 
 family, friendship, me.
 
Hiding
 suffocating under the safe
 hetero-American blanket. 
 
Knowing
 if I don't walk myself the truth
 I might, as well, not be.  

The SoulJourner QUESTion

Yes, my gayness was a Mighty lesson someone beat over my head. My life was then layered like a parfait of shoulds. I let others answer my questions (then I would feel shame if I felt different). Like: Where should I live? Who should I marry? Should I have kids?

Until I found a friend who gave me full acceptance. And another. And a therapist. I learned to identify “shoulds”. And then I started listening to myself. This was the start of years of inner conflict before I fully accepted myself.  

SERIOUS: Did someone ever share something with you you didn’t know yet about yourself? How did you react? If it happened today, could you meet yourself with more kindness? 

FUN: What’s one goofy thing about you that you now love and accept that, maybe once, you gave yourself a hard time about?

Want another rainbow story? Try this on for color!