A 1988 middle-school story of the beginnings of my journey to faith and love.
My 12-year-old eyes opened to greet the early dark and quiet of my new-to-me house on a Sunday. Teenage-hood had not set in entirely, and my babysitting gig Saturday night thankfully didn’t go much past 10pm as I was waiting for the toddler’s parents to come home.
Though a full load of homework screamed at me for attention, I pushed it aside in my mind. I had other kind of lessons to learn that day.
In thirty minutes, I closed the door on my still-quiet house and nestled my cold nose in my new chestnut suede bomber jacket. I walk-ran a few streets in my subdivision to a building proudly standing at the back of my new school: a church.
A Presbyterian church, to be exact. Just like the one that my mom went to before she met my dad and then we all went to a Methodist church in my old town with my extended family. Though, to be honest, I had no idea what the differences were. But, I was finding out.
Even though no one else in my family went, I decided to get confirmed. Which, to my surprise, included lessons and tests and grades. Which, I felt I was pretty good at. What I was not good at yet was listening to the sermons. I had no idea there were so many ways to sin. And if let in hope to believe in Heaven, it meant I had to believe in Hell, which made my overactive brain lose some serious sleep.
So, why did I do this? Other than my new confirmation friend, Samantha, we often got egg McMuffins after the lessons. But, also, there was some part of me that thought it was important to know the Bible. Even if I tried to read it and couldn’t keep all the names straight.
Now, what’s really important about faith?
My faith was snuffed out at that Fire-and-Brimstone church. I didn’t want to, but I hated God; He wasn’t inclusive or kind. I couldn’t resolve, so I kept it on the back burner. Did the other important things: grades, college, marriage, kids.
That’s when it bubbled right back up. My journey towards faith reignighted twenty years later when I wanted to get my kiddoes baptized.
Then somethings happened in October 20112 (read my book to find out) AND in May 2020 that changed everything. Since then, I have been a woman of strong, unwavering faith.
Here’s what changed.
In May 2020, I woke up to a strong, unwavering faith and radical love. For myself. I had been taking care of myself, giving myself time to feel my crazy amount of emotions, letting me play and have fun at life.
Because of this, I developed radical acceptance for me. Through the pandemic, unemployment, depression, divorce, mediocre jobs, I accepted my hot mess of a life. Well, sometimes it took awhile to recognize these things. But, eventually, when I accepted all of my parts, I learned and grew. Over time, all of the broken glass life hurled at me turned to sandy beaches where I could rest and recuperate.
Because I developed love and faith in myself first.
And when I developed this relationship with myself, I could come to God and the Universe and my Higher Power, as neither a starving servant nor intellectual slave nor someone who had to throw science in the trash, but whole, perfect.
Coming whole to the feet of my Earth Mother, Higher Power, God, the Universe is what changed everything. I felt faith and love in return. My relationship with God mended. Turns out my Faith wasn’t a test of how much of the Bible I knew, feared, or followed, it was a test of how much of myself I could love.
Now, I hear and heed the voice of God inside of me to help me blossom into more of who and what I divinely was made to be. Me and the voice of the Universe are dancing together towards my highest good. No fear. No guilt. No subservience. Just love and faith.
And that is my gift for you this holiday.
May you find Faith and Love in your whole perfectness within You first. For you cannot come to the table and be nourished by Divine desserts when you are unknowingly starving for the home-cooked meal you need to serve yourself.
Heidi Esther
SoulJourner Questions
When something happens that you don’t like, or you make a mistake, Pause. Feel your feelings WITHOUT judging yourself. (Yes, that one’s hard!) Next, move around and complete your stress cycle if you are stressed. Finally, when your body is more relaxed, work on these two, powerful moves…
1) Accept and forgive yourself for what happened. PSST! Here’s a great way to do that, with the Freedom Shower!
2) How can you take care of yourself NOW? OR How can you love yourself Harder? Need some tips? Try this Self Care for helpers for some ideas.
