Keywords: how to stop gossip at work, gossip at work, work gossip, stopping gossip, professional way to say stop gossiping
The Stage: Gossip at work
I sat at my nonprofit desk and looked through the miniblinds. I could see her car pull out of the parking lot; they both used the back door instead of the door closer to my office. My stomach sank.
I wasn’t even supposed to witness this, as I was in my weekly meeting. But it ended early, and there I was.
Two of my coworkers – an office mate and my direct report – went to lunch. Without me. We’d been going to lunch together for awhile. It is nice to have friends at work. Or was.
Until it wasn’t.
I sat at my desk and ate a salad sloth-speed, to complement my heavy stomach. I racked my brain over what had happened. What was the difference between a month ago and today?
I could not think of One. Single.Thing. I oscillated between sad and angry for the next hour.
When my office mate returned, I decided to break the ice.
“Did you both have a nice lunch?” I asked with as much kindness as I could muster, trying to keep the sad-dejected-anger in check.
As she put her purse away with her back to me, I could see her whole body freeze, just for a moment. I thought She didn’t expect me to know they went to lunch. They left and returned during the exact window of my other meeting. Coincidence? I think not.
“Yes, it was good.” she responded. “We knew you had that meeting today and couldn’t make it anyway.” she said, recovering as smoothly as silk, as she sat down with her back to me at her desk, opening her email.
I could hear the coverup in her voice.
I decided to wait until I had more data. Maybe that was the truth.
First Stop: Gather Data – Gain Perspective
The next two months, there were no lunch invitations.
Then, other data presented itself.
First, my office mate stopped talking about farming. She and I have similar obsessions with lavender. Particularly, we had been discussing starting a lavender farm, maybe with some agave on the side.
Second, my direct report stopped sharing waterfalls of information about her personal life. And she was someone who was always positive and excited about something – just gushing out of her. Her shares had dried up to little more than a creek.
What was wrong with me? What did I do? These words swam around my head. I brought in cookies. No change. I was extra polite and going-out-of-my-way helpful. No change.
Gossip at work can have Side Effects
As the weeks went on, odd things started happening to me. I felt like my hair was starting to shed more than normal. I counted 17 strands came out as I was brushing one day. In the bathroom mirror, it looked as though my hairline was receding. (Does that really happen to women? Google says yes. Ugh.) One of my daily joys – my morning coffee – was no longer settling. To make matters worse, my spouse was tired of hearing about it. (i.e. the complaining.) I started bottling up, wishing I could hide in a tree like a sloth and forget things.
A possible solution presented itself: talk it over with my boss? I felt it was too trivial and not enough work-related to bring up with her. She’s like the opposite of a touchy-feely type. I could just see her talking about everyone else about my issue. Or even worse, she already knows about it and doesn’t care.
Early one morning, I was stirring my coffee, looking out the kitchen window. I could hear my rooster-of-a-10 year old son come downstairs.
“Good morning mommy? Can I have an extra piece of toast with breakfast today?” he asked.
“Yea, whatever.” I replied like a mean girl.
I looked over and could see the hurt on his face.
As my face flushed hot, I cupped my mouth shut. Oh my goodness, I never snap at my kids like that. (I am a recovering mommy doormat after all.)
I walked over and wrapped my arms big around my little man.
“I’m so sorry, sweetie. I don’t know why I responded like that. Extra cinnamon-sugar for your two toasties today!” I said. I could feel his body loosen.
It was time to face the music. For my kids’ sake, and for all the hairs on my head.
Stop two: Responsibility.
I started with my direct report. Which was going to be tricky because her office didn’t have a door. She worked in a converted copy room.
I waited until Friday afternoon. Those were usually more relaxed around the office. More staff members were likely to be out in the community. And, in case I messed up big time, I wouldn’t have to show my face the next day.
As I got ready for the day, I’d have these moments like my stomach sank – roller coaster style.
Seven very long hours later, I knocked on the wall of her office.
“Hey, Rachel, do you have 10 minutes?” I asked.
Without looking up from her work, she replied “No. How about when I get this done?”
“Sure, no problem. Just come on over.” I said.
I waited the rest of the afternoon. She never came.
Over the weekend, I minimized my coffee, did some aggressive yoga, forgave my receding hairline, and listed the advantages and disadvantages of believing that I had failed as her manager. I decided to believe that I had not failed at being her manager and, instead, was learning how to be a better manager.
Monday morning, I was more relaxed. I asked her again.
On Tuesday afternoon, I sat in her office. Her desk chair sat up several inches higher than my chair. I felt more uncomfortable. Like I was in the principal’s office. I took a deep breath and repeated to myself three times: I am practicing at managing.
“Thanks for meeting. Looks like you are really busy these days.” I said.
“Yep, always busy. So, what do you need?” Rachel asked, as if each word was a nail in my confidence coffin.
I took another deep breath, held my hands together for support, and let the words come.
“I want to say I’m sorry. For whatever I did. To me, our work relationship has been, well, strained. Definitely not like it used to be. I know you and Tracy have gone to lunch together without me, probably as a result of that. I’m still learning how to be a manager and I screwed up. I am sorry.” I ended.
Third Stop: Empathy
As I spoke, I could tell her body moving from closed and bristly to tense-but-not-mean. Her forehead and eyes widened.
As Rachel shared her experience, I realized that not everything was my fault. And what was. I saw how all of my stresses for tight deadlines made me a more rigid and demanding boss, instead of one who creates space for her waterfalls of positivity and ideas. She also had some job and life challenges going on that I had no idea about. Like how other people were piling projects on her plate. I could see how she felt like she had multiple bosses and no support. No way to push back.
Last Stop: Align with Values
Upon leaving, we shook hands. We left with a plan to do a weekly check-in around all of her projects, ideas, support, and deadlines.
I realized that, all in all, I didn’t care as much about what they were saying about me behind my back as much as what I was doing to create the relationships that I wanted to. I was able to let them talk as long as I lived my values. To show up with empathy, transparency, presence, and as much support as I could give as a manager or coworker.
The next morning, I made plans to talk with my other coworker. After that? My boss. And a BIG BONUS? I was finally able to drink my morning coffee in peace and joy.
4 Emotionally Intelligent steps to Authentically Lead through a Gossip Culture
- Gather Data and another Perspective (Self-Regulation)
- Take Responsibility (Self-Regulation, People Skill)
- Seek to understand with empathy (Empathy)
- Align your actions with your Values…and let the rest go (Self-Awareness and People Skill)
How to stop gossip? What can you say or do?
- Book a Consult with an Emotional Intelligence Consultant to talk what might work for your organization: https://HeidiEsther.com/Calendar/#Consult
- Download 3 Steps to Dealing with Gossip at Work in My Motivated and Connected Vault (Below)
Here’s a preview of the Gossip Worksheet!
