Are you intrested in a good read? Here are the main characters (albeit a bit older) in my best-selling book, For Cryin’ Out Loud.
Was it Miss Scarlet with the Rope in the Conservatory? Maybe. One of the below players, usually under the alias of Mom, is the prime suspect of most crimes under the kitchen roof. Especially if it involves plant-based food torture for teenagers. Wahahahaha!
Here are the usual suspects. Who do you think done it?
Jonathan.
My Son
Aliases: I’ll-kill-you-if-you-call-me-J-Dog, JDub, my little pumpkin (only licensed by Mom).
My son. He was such a relaxed and happy child. Now, all childhood frivolity has been kicked to the curb faster than the flosser. This mysterious fifteen-year-old spends countless hours mastering 20-page piano pieces, memorizing bad chemistry jokes, devouring 5 meals a day, and never opening his bedroom door.
Weapon of choice: AirPods. You might not think it true of someone who looks this innocent, but he’s never fully listening to you.
Achilles’ Heel: A people pleaser, seemingly for everyone but his step-mom Stacey. Also, he will do anything if you mention the word Starbucks.
Barbara.
My Daughter
Aliases: BB, BB8, Earth-to-Barbara, Babs.
My daughter. Formerly and will-never-be-known-again as Barbie, this fierce sprite holds true to her name. Since birth, this thirteen-year-old has understood the meaning of self-care and boundaries. Which are two things that eluded Mom until she was well into her fourth decade of life. When she is not hamster-momming or throwing Mom off of a cliff, she paints light switches and anything else she can get her hands on.
Weapon of choice: This teenager has evolved into a Killer of Words. One or two carefully-chosen words, muttered under her breath, to her older brother, at the kitchen table, is enough to send her moms into a tailspin for the rest of the day. And it also gives her lone kitchen duty for the rest of the week.
Achilles’ Heel: Boredom. (a.k.a. virtual schooling or any museum ever.) No matter where you are: If Barbara is bored, she will flush your time away by melting into a chair and complaining to you for hours that she feels like dying.
Stacey.
My Wife
Aliases: Step-Mom, my baby girl (a.la her mom), Hill Walker, Rock Star, Artemis, and songbird
My wife. Never wanting to have children, settle down, or live in the same town for more than a year, Stacey bravely faces these three existential crises on a daily basis. How does she do it? Alcohol, dogs, and a lot of history books that no-one else in the house wants to know about. I am forever grateful Stacey stays, and I often wonder why. Maybe it’s because this practical joker is finally getting good at hiding behind the pantry door and scaring the crap out of dogs and teenagers.
Weapon of choice: You will never see it coming. But, it will happen to you. One minute, you’re watching TV, the next: Stacey pulls you off the couch for a Spontaneous Dance Party. Be warned, this songbird dances exactly the opposite of how she sings. Think Elaine from Seinfeld.
Achilles’ Heel: Ask her how she is feeling. She is an introvert-of-introverts and can walk 8 miles without a potty break. She will be far gone before you can sigh.
Elvis.
My Step-Dog
Aliases: Who’s-my-handsome-man, our little man, sweetheart, Hey Asshole, and Get-down-from-there
Our geriatric Italian Greyhound. (Think of a baby gazelle) While my first impressions of him were about as friendly as a sea urchin, he let me pet him by year three. We will forever lament the day we showed this quiet gentleman “the window”. Now, this chair-and-table-jumping loudmouth shouts at all the squirrels. And wants to eat the mailman. Too bad he would only be able to gum the mailman with only a third of his teeth left.
Weapon of choice: When he feels his life is not perfect, Elvis exercises his digestive ability to poop outside of his litter box. Also, he can fold out like a Chinese fan in bed and make you sleep on the floor.
Achilles’ Heel: He has many, but any uncarpeted surface will take him down for the count.
Olive.
My Dog
Aliases: The Sweetness, Who’s-my-favorite-girl, Nagini, The Androgynous Olive, Super Bitch, and why–are-you-whining?
Olive, is our middle-aged lesbian Chiweenie. Who would have thought it possible? It’s true. Two lesbians adopted a lesbian Chiweenie! Crazy, huh? How do we know this? First, she loves green. Second, she never gives her main suitor, Elvis, the time of day.
When Olive is not guarding purple duck, franken-dot, or Funshine bear against possible attack, she quietly whines and tilts her head at a perfect 15-degree tilt that melts even the thickest of glaciers.
Weapon of choice: One blink from her sweet-sweet-chestnut-brown eyes, and you are done for.
Achilles’ Heel: Anything taller than five inches. With legs shorter than my index finger, Olive can get lost in shag carpet.
Heidi Esther
Yours truly
Aliases: Mom, Geeze-mom, Really-mom, love-of-my-life, Pinky, Heidster, Mulder, Rinky, The General, Chief Mamma Bear.
I’m an extroverted Si, ENFJ, HSP, Type 2 on the Enneagram and Human Design Reflector. Also known as the Mom who asks too many feelings questions because I’ve done enough inner work for at least a dozen people. While some people might call them baseball bats, I feel God has given me a series of “lessons.” And, what I mean by that: is parenthood, divorce, mid-life-lesbian-awakening, getting fired, depression, and codependency. And smaller lessons, like how-to-not-bring-your-whole-bedroom-camping and accepting my chin hair. And amazing ones, like feeling self-love and gratitude. When I’m not looking for my glasses, I can be found writing to oceanic noise and obsessively baking sourdough items. For more about what Joyfully Ever After is all about, click here!
Weapon of choice: Meditation. Used often as the consequence (with a related writing assignment) for reactionary and impolite behavior, I have been known to wield Calm with exacting precision.
Achilles’ Heel: If you remove my daily 1/3 caff coffee and two squares of Dove Dark Chocolate, I will wilt into one of Ursula’s imprisoned merpeople.
Now, dear beautiful Soul, you know a little about me and my people.
What about you? Are you ready to get rid of your Joy Blocks? Take the Survey here!
with love, light, and laughter,
Heidi Esther
PS Ready for a FREE Chapter of my book? 👇
